Sunday, April 15, 2012

I will worry about that tomorrow ....

When I woke up this morning I was thinking about how we (my dh and I) have gotten ourselves into our financial little mess we are in.  First it occurred to me that I was still waking up worrying about something, it just wasn't alcohol.

BTW- let me address that first.  I went over to my neighbor's house after work on Friday and did something I haven't done since before 12/25/12 - the day I decided to quit.  I had one beer with her and when she offered me another right after. I said yes and then drank that as well.  I haven't had two that quickly in a long time.  No water in between, I hadn't eaten yet, no delay.  I was finding our conversation getting into that easy, relaxed state that comes with a buzz.  The ability to talk about pretty much nothing for long periods of time and be totally engaged.  Not having that feeling when talking to people is one of the hardest parts of not drinking.  I tend to get really bored and impatient with conversations and people, frankly. I was waiting for dh to get home.  She was going to another neighbor's with more beer in hand and her dh.  She wanted me to come with her.  Thank goodness I still have my kids at home (hers are grown) bc it is a good excuse to go home and "check in".  My 17 yo dd was with friends, but my 13 yo ds was home.  It is a great excuse and frankly I did not want any more right at that moment.  That is definitely an improvement.  Actually I didn't want any more the rest of the night which is a HUGE improvement!  Those two beers wiped me out.  I was so tired that I just watched tv with dh and ds and went to bed.

Last night I was really craving a glass of wine.  I told myself no wine unless it was with a dinner.  I have not bought a bottle of wine since before 12/25/11.  My dd is having a really hard time with the opposite sex right now so I spent the day with her.  We had a really great day of talking, crying, laughing, shopping for prom jewelry.  It occurred to me that if I would have went with my neighbor I would have not been able to be there for her.  We were sitting outside three places on our way home - Noodles, Chipotle and a liquor store.  We were trying to figure out what ds and dh wanted to eat.  I said to her, "I really want to have a glass of wine right now, but you will give me dirty/concerned/disappointed looks, won't you?"  She gave me this look and said, "Ummmm ...... Yaaa!"  So that was that.  I didn't buy any. thank goodness for her.  Sometimes I worry about burdening my entire family with my issue, but when I ask them about it, my dd says that she is glad I told her.  It makes her respect me for dealing with it and makes her worried about her own addiction gene that could have been passed down.  My ds says, "Drinking is stupid!"  When we went to Easter Service last weekend, he had that little sip of wine and thought his liver was going to shut down!

So last night my dh and I share a large bottle of micro beer (probably less than one beer each).  He went to a neighbor's house and I stayed home and watched a movie with ds and dd (who is never home on a Saturday night).  I kind of wanted one more while watching the movie and I was seconds from giving in and getting one when I asked myself, "Why?  It is 9:00 at night, no one else is drinking here (it is all kids) Why do I need one?  I wanted to try to drink again so that I could have one once in a while with my friends, not so I could sit at home alone (the only not drinking) and drink. I don't think I would call that responsible drinking." I made some popcorn, got a big glass of water, watched the movie and went to bed.  Mission accomplished!

So anyway about the financial issues.  When I was doing a lot of binge drinking on the weekends, I think I pushed a lot of problems out of my mind.  I was either busy working during the week, planning my weekend (aka drinking), drinking or hungover.  I never really had a lot of time to think about anything other than - "how am I going to set up a situation in which I can drink, drinking itself or I feel like crap, I will deal with it tomorrow".  I think I have just been ignoring all other aspects of my life - physically pushing them out of reach of consciousness.  I was so consumed with everything drinking - the positives and negatives - that I was ignoring other things for a long time.  Well, it is time to face the music with my finances.  We have just gotten ourselves into a debt hole that we need to claw our way out of.  I think there may be some kind of "live in the moment, worry about tomorrow ... tomorrow, I just can't deal with that right now mentality that I have been living for a long time that was caused by the drinking hamster wheel I was on.  It was infecting every other aspect of my life as well.  It was very subtle and not really that noticeable until now.  A little scary ....


  1. A little off topic, but did you notice any difference in how you & DH got along when you weren't drinking?

  2. Hi Jen, I have noticed some differences, which I am sure I am also going to have to deal with eventually. I think that I also pushed a lot of our issues out of my mind as well. Binge drinking on the weekends with the following recovery, guilt, making promises to myself to do better, feeling better, planning on drinking and then drinking just to do it all over again every week really was taking up all of my "mental real estate" so to speak. I am ot sure if I was doing it to not think about everything else, or if it was just bc of the alcohol itself. i don't know if that makes any sense. I don't feel like dh and I have as much in common now. We always would drink together on the weekends. Now he still drinks with his friends and I stay home and hang out with the kids which is fine for me right now. Right now I am working on me (both not binge drinking and getting more healthy/working out). Next comes our finances, after that we will see. I want our marriage to work out so I want to address everything else that could be straining our relationship before I even begin to look at it. For me these things are my drinking, my not begin happy with myself and our finances. Soory for the long reply, but yes I am definitely noticing some differences, I just haven't decided if they are good or bad. Are they really problems, or just me readjusting?

  3. I worry about the affect my not drinking will have on our relationship. It's our time to relax and reconnect, when enjoyed in moderation, but after some over-indulging again this weekend I said some things that I regret. Maybe not so much the words, but the timing and the lack of sensitivity. Anyway, yesterday was spent with the usual guilt, making promises to myself, questionning myself and my drinking habits...the same thing you talk about having gone through. It's so exhausting! Thanks for your thoughts.