House of Change

I found the moderation management website and online support group a few years ago.  When I was on the MM list, "Pierre" posted the following House of Change.  It has had such a profound impact on my journey that I asked his permission to post it here.  His writing is in the blue, my comments in black.

The House of Change.

The House of Change is crowded, especially the cellar which is damp, dark and cold. But the House of Change has also a roof terrace where the sun is bright and life is good. The way to change goes up from the cellar to the top by means of a huge staircase. Its steps may be of variable height. The House of Change has also large floors where people can rest on their way to change.

Some people in the cellar are not considering change. They are unaware, that high over them there is a sunny, warm place where the view is beautiful, the air pure and the ambiance soothing. They shiver from time to time in the cold and moisture, sometimes they have a feeling that there should be a better place to be, but in the dark of the place they are in and the darkness of their mind they don't see a way to get out. They don't look for a change, may be out of pure ignorance, well established indolence or sheer despair. They stagnate in the stage of precontemplation.

From around 17 to 27 I drank and loved it.  I was the life of the party and had a great time.  My dh and I were either attending or hosting a party.  I didn't drink during the week. I got a teaching degree, got my masters degree, got a teaching job, bought a new house, bought a new car, had fabulous friends, was in great shape, had a great job and partied on the weekend.  Partied to the point that I was pissed off if I had a family engagement and couldn't drink. 

Sometimes I had problems especially with members of my family - sisters, parents, etc. but I never related them to alcohol back then. I could never see how selfishly I was living.  It was all about me and too bad! I was having fun and my friends loved me.  I just focussed on that and didn't worry about family.  Why?  I would rather be with my friends. My dh and I would also fight but then just chalk it up to having too much to drink and forget about it.  

I didn't have a problem with alcohol!  I had plenty of friends that drank far more than I did and its not like I was homeless!

From 28 to 30 I had both my children.  Both extremely difficult pregnancies but had never been happier.  I thought I was just happy pregnant but looking back now maybe it was because I wasn't drinking.

At 30 I had kids and moved into a neighborhood full of partiers!  Perfect! I could raise my kids, take them to the parties with me (everyone else had kids they could play with) and then not have to drive home!  Was this heaven or what!  Plus, I was stressed out trying to raise kids and work full time, so damn it I deserved to let loose and relax on the weekends!  And I had plenty of company.

It started off great!  But over the course of 10 years, it slowly/gradually got pretty bad - embarrassing parties, weeknight wine drinking with the "ladies", not remembering things, worried about what my kids thought of me, stumbling home late at night.  My house eventually became the party house like it was in my twenties.  I didn't mind hosting or cleaning up as long as I had people to drink with that wouldn't judge me.  

I started drinking more and behaving badly.  This was different - I started picking fights and getting angry and saying mean things and getting really sensitive.  I had never been like that before. And the hangovers were devastating - physically, emotionally, mentally.  That was also a new development. Finally I found myself drinking most nights, sneaking beers, finishing other peoples wine glasses when they weren't looking, having some strange empty pit inside that just could never get enough alcohol once I started - almost like I was losing whatever control I thought I had. It scared the shit out of me.

There are those who stumble around in the dark , knowing that they need a change of scene, may be driven and haunted by the memories of better days, groping about to find the latch of the exit door they know to be somewhere. Sometimes they are exhausted by the search, some give it up for good, but most are struggling and after a rest resume the search of light and a better life. They live and search in the stage of contemplation.

Then, at around 38, I started looking for help. I was desperate for my weekends, my self esteem, my life to be different. I wanted to learn to  moderate and control my drinking like all normal people did.

And suddenly in the dark, you see a small stripe of pale yellow light, almost undetectably. You stumble towards the light moved by a wild hope, you get the doorknob, you open the door and you are overflowed by the bright light of a staircase. On the wall sticks a poster informing you that you are now in the preparation stage, and that the staircase is a magic one, where you can program the height of the steps, depending of your mood and ability of the present momentum. And now you plan the first steps to take, you move on driven by your determination to advance, fleeing the dark, damp and cold cellar, up to the light. You are in the action stage.

In the bright light of the large staircase you can now see your fellow occupants, the presence of who you only felt in the dark of the cellar of the House of Change. They are of all races, of all continents. They are small or tall, slim or big. There are males and females of all ages, most go upstairs, some come downstairs. You are yourself melting with this community, exchanging your impressions and experiences. You are warned that you may slip downstairs, that there are some traps where you can go right down to the cellar again, but always with the knowledge that there is an open door and a staircase to go up.

This is where I realized I wasn't alone.  There were so many people out there with the same issues as me.  I tried and tried and tried to moderate - for 6 years!  I would do really well and then have a horrible night and fall right back into regret and shame.  Those times would be fewer and fewer but when they happened, they were worse. Because of reading other people's experiences, I realized that I was withdrawing from alcohol every Sun, Mon, Tues - started feeling better Wed and Thurs was filled with the anticipation of the weekend coming and being able to drink. I was passing out in the bathroom, throwing up, spending beautiful Sundays in bed.  Working so effing hard to moderate just to come crashing down so much worse when I did drink.  I was so lost.

And so you go up and down, but always averaging to the up, sometimes with ease, sometimes with pain. You are passing the floors, taking a rest or not, sometimes finding yourself back on a floor where you have already been. Oh yes, this may be your fate in the action stage, but finally you reach the upper and last floor. On this floor there are club chairs, where you can take a rest and meditate before opening the door to the roof terrace. You look back to your struggle, you catch a glimpse over the railing to the basement and you are proud of your journey. You are older and wiser than you were in the cellar, and oh, so happier. You are in the waiting room to the final stage, you are in the maintenance stage.

Then I found MMabsers - a group of wonderful, positive, supportive, happy sober...wait...what....sober?  Really?  Could life really be good without alcohol?  I couldn't even imagine the thought of that!  No way!  

Last year at this time, I had a horrible Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Go back and look at my blog as I often do.  It was terrible! I was a mess!  OK fine I will try this abs thing.  I absed from from Dec to March which was amazing for me, but I wasn't happy.  The fear of having a summer without alcohol along with the warm sunny afternoons convinced me to give moderation another shot.  I did really well for a while and then had two drunken vacations. Right back to where I was. I decided enough was enough and decided to quit again.  I did for two weeks and then just got a wild hair to have a beer with my neighbor and got wasted.  

The day after that I quit again and have now been sober for 127 days. It is better this time.  I really have no desire to drink.  I get a craving once in awhile but it goes away.  

What I struggle with now is being in the waiting room.

Finally you open the door to the roof terrace. You are in a beautiful garden, richly flowered, bees are humming, the grass isgreener than it was ever in your memories and dreams, the sun is brighter and the sky is bluer. You are at the end of your cycle of change. You are in the termination stage.

Pierre

I am waiting for that door to open so I can see all the beauty in life again without alcohol.  Although life is better and I am glad I am not drinking, it  just seems so boring, dull, average, uninspired, uneventful, without anticipation, lackluster without alcohol.  I am waiting desperately for joy to return to my life.  It has to, doesn't it? There are plenty of people who don't drink and are happy.  Can I be one of them?  Can I find fulfillment, purpose, joy in life without alcohol?

PS - Thank you mirror, mirror for checking on me :)

success and struggles

Success 

Friday - The last day of an incredibly busy work week, a whole, week off, sun was shining.....a perfect reason to celebrate with a beer in the past.  Thank goodness my ds had basketball games.  I was pretty busy being a mom and didn't really thin about it - thankful for the distraction.

Saturday - Friend's 80's birthday party at a bar, free drinks, no kids, everyone else drinking....a perfect excuse to partay!! in the past.  Really didn't want to go, but did - knew it was the right thing to do.  I went, didn't drink and was perfectly fine with it.  Didn't even care. Got a little annoyed with one of my old drinking buddies who was getting a little loud and annoying trying to talk to me.  Actually had some real, calm conversations with some friends I hadn't seen in awhile.

Monday - Did Thanksgiving early - worked best for our family.  First Thanksgiving (except when pregnant) that I didn't drink.  It was fine.  

Struggles

Monday - For the first time in a long time I actually had that,  "I want to have a beer feeling."  It was mid afternoon, sun was shining and I was cooking.  In the past I would have had a beer or two while prepping all my Thanksgiving contributions at home, another one while getting ready and then more once we got there.  I had a really big urge while cooking and showering.  That whole rapid pules, kind of tingly, head buzzing, furrowed brow, deep breaths, grumpy feeling.  I knew if I just put my head down and powered through it would go away and that is what I did, but it just felt a little stressful at the family dinner.  I was little bored, anxious, tired, annoyed.... just felt like I put my head down and powered through.  It was uncomfortable, but I made it through. I didn't drink, so that was good.

I have been have been having drinking dreams again.  My dreams have been very stressful - being late, lost, chased, angry, running but going nowhere, missing flights, upset and then the last one guzzling beer in secret.  I just feel a little out of sorts, a little grumpy.

I am starting to feel a little isolated.  I feel like I have lost all of my friends, my dh is drinking (which is fine, just different for me not to be).  Just don't quite know where I belong, where I fit in, what my purpose is....

Past trauma

Something very weird and a little scary happened to my last night.  For no reason that I can think of, I woke up at 12:30 am feeling a lot of anxiety.  Everything that has ever happened to me in my life that was bad as a child just came flooding in on me.  I couldn't stand it.  I just started replaying my life from an alcoholic father to a distracted/cold mother to sexual abuse to attending 7 elementary schools to starting middle school new without any friends to never really fitting in until I found alcohol to never having anyone there for me as a child or a teenager to always feeling alone to being drunk at prom, being drunk as a teenager...

I tossed and turned in emotional turmoil for 2 hours.  I haven't had that happen since I stopped drinking 97 days ago.  When I finally got to sleep, I had a very vivid dream that I tried to tell my family about everything I had been through.  I was really upset, but they just acted like I was being a drama queen and wasting their time.  I was devastated.  I woke up to my heart pounding and my pulse racing. So then I lay there for another hour thinking about the dream.

I think maybe I need to go talk to someone about all of the pain from my past.  I feel like I have all of that pain wrapped up in a tight little cocoon tucked away somewhere deep inside.  The past 25 years have been spent either keeping myself so incredibly busy during the week or buzzed on the weekends.  Just constantly in this state of motion, never slowing down, never allowing my "cocoon" to unravel.  God forbid anyone would ever think there was anything wrong with me.  I built a very strong bravado/facade around myself so that no one else could ever get a glimpse of my secrets.  Whether they are warranted or not, there is a lot of shame/guilt/sorrow/anger/resentment that comes with digging all of that up ..... but I am not so sure that I have a lasting chance at sobriety without doing it.

Who am I?

I had to wonder about something today.  I went to a family get together this afternoon - a boy's birthday party.  All went well.  A couple of family members said, "What? You haven't drank since when? Why?  I didn't even think you drank that much." In the past, this statement would have planted the seed in my brain that maybe I wasn't that bad.  Not today... i just said, "I was a binge drinker.  I would drink too much on the weekends and then feel like crap.  it was just becoming to important to me."  They had no idea about the anguish and turmoil I have been through fighting this drug for years.

Well, the wine was flowing.  there was even one person there that must have had 4 glasses of wine, and was getting pretty loud.  When she had finished the wine she asked what else they had.  I was watching her out of the corner of my eye because she reminded me a lot of myself.  She is about 8 years younger than me and I wondered if she would feel bad about herself in the morning, like I would have.  I thought about where I was 8 years ago.

Something that really was bothering me was how socially awkward I was feeling.  I didn't really know three of the people who were there, including the one drinking wine.  Before, I would have really liked the new people, been drinking with them, socializing, having fun and secretly enjoying that someone was drinking more than me haha! Now I just felt weird.  I was just being pretty quiet, minding my own business. I actually found myself not making a whole lot of eye contact, I don't know why.  I really don't think I made a lot of eye contact drinking either.   I also felt like these three were looking at me like I was being a bitch. Maybe I was just feeling insecure? I certainly wasn't trying to be and I felt like I was being friendly enough, but it was a little strange feeling.  I remember when I was in middle school and someone told me that she was surprised I was so nice because I always looked angry and bitchy.  I wonder - am I really like that and I used the alcohol to feel more socially "with it" or do I just feel awkward because I am not used to being in drinking situation sober?  I always thought I was super outgoing, friendly, social...or was that all just the facade of the alcohol?

I am not really sure who I am right now, or who I used to be or who I ever was????

94 days

Well it has been 94 days since I have drank.  I feel mostly good about it.  Once in a while I have a craving or an inclining, like when we were carving pumpkins or at a huge neighborhood Halloween - I am talking multiple house with tents, appetizers and adult beverages - plus the weather was beautiful!  I would have killed for a Halloween like that in the past.  I lived for those Halloweens in the past - an excuse to drink on a weeknight with a bunch of other festive people who are drinking on a weeknight. I would also pay the price the next day with feeling like crap and feeling guilty about changing a holiday for my kids into a holiday for me to get smashed!  My focus was always on my kids, but many times it was equally if not a little more about me and my need for a drink.

One Halloween, I decided I would drink a few beers before trick or treating and thought it would be fun to ride a scooter around with the kids.  Well, I fell face first in a driveway!  Of course I blamed it on a crack in the sidewalk, got up, laughed it off and had another beer.  I was always excited when someone would invite us in for a "beverage" and we would stay a little longer than we should have. The kids were tugging at my arm trying to get me to do more trick or treating.  I never showed it, but was always a teeny bit annoyed, which is ridiculous bc it should have been about them!
Another Halloween, I took longer than I should have "getting ready" bc I was actually upstairs, slamming two beers down.  I wanted to a decent buzz going before trick or treating bc I didn't want to be that parent that walked around with a red solo cup - I am a teacher in this neighborhood for God's sake!  I didn't know how long it would be before I would be "invited in" for an adult beverage.  I usually wanted my dh to stay home and pass out candy so I could be out and about, distracting myself enough to keep drinking.  I didn't want to sit around by myself passing out candy, drinking - that might mean I have a problem!

As the years went by, I started noticing that many parents weren't drinking at all!  I just thought everyone did. Speaking of being a teacher,  I wouldn't even take kids in my class that lived in  my neighborhood because I was to afraid that they or their parents would "judge" me or tell stories at school about what a "party girl" I was.  It is amazing how many decision I made revolved around alcohol and how much in denial I was about that.  I just said that it would be too hard to know the kids and parents in a social and professional way - but really it was about the partying.

I think what is really different for me this time is looking at the bigger picture.  In the past I was getting so frustrated with not feeling fantastic right away, that I think I just gave up and wanted to feel "good" on a weekend and drank.  I have been reading a lot that talks about how long it takes for your body to recover from the years of abuse.  I usually only drank on the weekends, but at least 2 times a month I binged enough to feel terrible the next morning.  My body was in such a cycle of Fri and Sat night - drink, Sun and Mon -  be wiped out, Wed - feel better, Thurs - start getting excited for the weekend to be able to drink - over and over and over for years.  It had become who I was, what my focus was. If I couldn't drink on the weekend I was bummed.  But, as I got older, I could tolerate it less the next day both physically and emotionally.  I was killing my spirit, my patience, my gentleness, my compassion.  I was becoming very selfish, self absorbed, depressed or party girl hyper, my anxiety level was through the roof.  I was starting to become that drinker that would pick fights - I never used to be that person.  I was starting to sneak drinks and lie about how much I had had.  And my denial was ridiculous - it must have been something I ate, I must be getting sick, it must be the weather.  I had an excuse for everything in my own mind...from why I felt like crap to why I was just so exhausted during the weekend.

I am not feeling well again - heart palpitations again, headaches, grumpiness, overwhelmed, anxious, seriously distracted all the time, can't seem to multitask like I used to.  In the past this would have driven me to having a couple on the weekend.  I said until Halloween - I made it!  Yeah me!  Now let's celebrate - WITH A DRINK! That just sounds so ridiculous (yet still appealing).

The only way I am truly going to repair the damage I have done with weekend binge drinking is by not drinking for a very long time.  I am starting to look at it like when I quit smoking.  Just one cigarette (or beer) and the last 93 days are for nothing because I will be starting all the way back at the beginning. I just need to give myself the give of time

Almost - yesterday

An update - I was super sick Tues and Wed. - like had to leave work sick - which is unheard of as a teacher.  You can't just leave without sub plans and a sub.  I had the flu - nauseous, achy, fever, headache...I think I slept 24 out of 48 hours!  I feel better, but am so far behind at work.  I missed 2 days this week and 3 last week for DH surgery.  Rough couple of weeks for sure!

Anyway, while I was in bed not sleeping, I was researching why I have been so tired, distracted, irritated, jumpy, having heart palpitations again and having trouble sleeping.  I was really wondering if it could be alcohol related and that is also why I drank again at the 80-90 day range last time.  I blamed it then on the spring time, summer coming, school coming to a close.....it seems awfully coincidental that I am having a bunch of symptoms that I have when I first quit drinking at the same time - 80-90 days????

I was looking into something called PAWS - post acute withdrawal symptom.  It is when someone who used to much alcohol, starts to have some of the same symptoms I am having.  It happens around this time as well. i thought is was really interesting and wondered if it played a part in why I gave in last time and why I am having a hard time this time.  Knowledge is my friend!

Last night my family including neice, nephew, sister and parents carved pumpkins.  Doing this on a Friday in the past would have meant a neighborhood party at my house!  Something I would have looked forward to all week!  Would have been on a "high" just waiting for it I guess because it meant I could drink with other drinkers - have fun, not be judged, not worry about anything ....  I typically wouldn't have wanted my sister/parents there for fear they would judge me if I drank too much. It turned out to be really a nice, calm, fulfilling evening.  I felt really good about myself as a mother, wife, sister, daughter, aunt, woman.

But...it didn't start that way.  When I got home from work, I was REALLY wanting a beer.  I mean REALLY wanting a beer!  That voice was coming on strong.....You said until Halloween....its almost here....I know you can be moderate....just give it another shot....wouldn't it be fun to have a beer right now....wouldn't it be more enjoyable...who cares....you can do what you want...it is your life...just do it...you deserve it...you work hard...it has been a rough 2 weeks....one or two aren't going to hurt....it's just beer - it's not like it's wine....maybe it will help you sleep and make the heart palpitations go away...wouldn't it be nice to be able to have that beer on a Friday night with friends again....not feel so isolated....be able to party....be able to have fun...look forward to the weekend again....

My other voice said...you SAID until Halloween, it isn't Halloween....you told your dd you were taking a break until Halloween-you know she will give you a "look"...you told your mom you haven't drank since August 1 - YESTERDAY!....just coincidence??? probably  not....she was so proud of you-now what she is going to see you with a beer?....how will you feel about yourself tomorrow?....remember what you read about PAWS....it said that my body will not ever truly heal itself unless you don't drink...if you drink, even 2 beers, your healing has to start all over... maybe you are just hungry, tired, thirsty....just eat something, drink something besides alcohol-wait it out- see if it goes away....maybe this is just your addiction screaming at you....are you going to let it win?.... do you really need to have that buzzy feeling in your head to enjoy the evening...all the kids have fun with a clear head...wouldn't it be cool to model having a good time without alcohol to my two teenage children? ... wouldn't that make you feel good about yourself?....let's try it with a clear head...it might be calmer, less ADHD like....JUST DON'T DO IT!!  OMG THIS IS EXHAUSTING!!

Well my mature voice won-thank goodness!  PAWS also says that you have to take some responsibility to minimize the symptoms - get enough sleep, don't sleep too much, eat healthy, stay hydrated, exercise, relax, find your spirituality.

I take this as - you don't heal passively.  You have to take an active role in recovery.  I need to work on myself. i can't just sit back, be an observer of my own life and hope for change. I need to do things that take care of me - even if I don't feel like it so I have the strength to fight that childish, needing, whining, irritating, extremely persuasive voice that wants what it wants immediately! It takes advantage of a weakened (or weekend haha) state and tries to convince me quickly while I am hungry, tired, grumpy, etc. before I have a chance to stop myself.  

One think at a time - this week my focus is going to be on nutrition and hydration.

Still tired??? 82 Days

Ok, so it has been awhile since I have posted.  I have been doing really well until a couple of days ago. I have not drank in 82 days.  I have felt pretty good....really busy (conferences, report cards, kids' sports, husband's surgery) which helps, actually.  I really haven't had any cravings.  I have been glad to be done with the constant battle in my head, just living my hectic life without hangovers.
Last time (Jan-Mar 2012) I absed this long, I made it to around 82 days and then decided I wanted to try to drink moderately again, which led to a disastrous summer.  Disastrous for me means binge drinking on the weekend at least 4 times a month, but it also involves the self-hatred, hangovers, depression, anxiety, etc...

Now that I am about that same number of days - I am starting to have thoughts and triggers again - dreams about alcohol in which I give in,  driving past one of my favorite restaurants on a Saturday night and having thoughts about never being able to have a glass of wine with dinner, neighbor's trying to get me to try their flavored vodka (I pretended to taste it and then dumped it out), neighborhood chili cook offs and not even wanting to go bc it doesn't sound fun without a beer to cool down all the hot flavors in my mouth, someone talking about going to a bar for a couple of drinks and wishing I could go with her.......it hasn't been an easy weekend.

The worst part is - I am just so damn tired all the time!!! I am sick of it.  I got 10 hours of sleep both Friday and Saturday night and I still can't pull myself out of bed.  I am falling asleep on the couch at 9:00 on a Saturday.  I just thought I would feel better by now.  I want to hop out of bed at 6:00 ready to start my day - something I couldn't do with a hangover.  I am getting a little pissed off that I am not feeling "fantastic" like everyone who quit feels.
I was reading that alcohol "artificially" raises your dopamine levels in you brain over and over and over and that your body produces another hormone to bring those levels down.  I have been "artificially" getting my good mood feeling on the weekends for the past 20 years.  During the week I just felt happier and happier as I got closer to the weekend.  Then, ironically, as you get your good mood on through a drug, you also sink deeper into depression (masked by the buzz) because ALCOHOL IS A ULTIMATELY A DEPRESSANT!!! What a sneaky SOB!

I am sure my brain is just having a hard time getting the hormone levels back in check.  I am sure that I trained my brain to need alcohol to feel happy for all of those years.  Since I am feeling this way again at about the 80 day mark and knowing that this is when I "tried" again last time makes me wonder if it is another one of those fork in the road moments.  The time when my addiction tells me that I am OK, that I am not that bad, that I am just making a big deal, that it is my latest obsession, that I said until Halloween and I have almost done that - time for a reward, that even though life is better in some ways like this (I don't miss the extreme lows that come with the hangovers) - but I do miss the intense great, happy feelings that come with weekend parting.  I miss looking forward to getting together with my friends after a long week and having fun.  Yes, I could have fun doing other things but I am just too tired to put in the effort - I just go to bed.  Having a couple beers didn't take much effort - it was just easy.  I get all of that and knowing it helps, but here is my question-----

How long did it take for all of you long time absers for your body to reset itself and have more energy?  I now everyone is different, but I just want to know if I am expecting too much too soon...