Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Past trauma

Something very weird and a little scary happened to my last night.  For no reason that I can think of, I woke up at 12:30 am feeling a lot of anxiety.  Everything that has ever happened to me in my life that was bad as a child just came flooding in on me.  I couldn't stand it.  I just started replaying my life from an alcoholic father to a distracted/cold mother to sexual abuse to attending 7 elementary schools to starting middle school new without any friends to never really fitting in until I found alcohol to never having anyone there for me as a child or a teenager to always feeling alone to being drunk at prom, being drunk as a teenager...

I tossed and turned in emotional turmoil for 2 hours.  I haven't had that happen since I stopped drinking 97 days ago.  When I finally got to sleep, I had a very vivid dream that I tried to tell my family about everything I had been through.  I was really upset, but they just acted like I was being a drama queen and wasting their time.  I was devastated.  I woke up to my heart pounding and my pulse racing. So then I lay there for another hour thinking about the dream.

I think maybe I need to go talk to someone about all of the pain from my past.  I feel like I have all of that pain wrapped up in a tight little cocoon tucked away somewhere deep inside.  The past 25 years have been spent either keeping myself so incredibly busy during the week or buzzed on the weekends.  Just constantly in this state of motion, never slowing down, never allowing my "cocoon" to unravel.  God forbid anyone would ever think there was anything wrong with me.  I built a very strong bravado/facade around myself so that no one else could ever get a glimpse of my secrets.  Whether they are warranted or not, there is a lot of shame/guilt/sorrow/anger/resentment that comes with digging all of that up ..... but I am not so sure that I have a lasting chance at sobriety without doing it.

1 comment:

  1. If you haven't been drinking, for a while, it is likely the chemicals in your brain are releasing the thoughts and emotions that have been stuffed down otherwise by the mask of a good buzz. When I was sober, and hope to be again, I had to face all kinds of waves and dips of anxiety and memories. I totally hear you on this post.