Tuesday, November 20, 2012
success and struggles
Friday - The last day of an incredibly busy work week, a whole, week off, sun was shining.....a perfect reason to celebrate with a beer in the past. Thank goodness my ds had basketball games. I was pretty busy being a mom and didn't really thin about it - thankful for the distraction.
Saturday - Friend's 80's birthday party at a bar, free drinks, no kids, everyone else drinking....a perfect excuse to partay!! in the past. Really didn't want to go, but did - knew it was the right thing to do. I went, didn't drink and was perfectly fine with it. Didn't even care. Got a little annoyed with one of my old drinking buddies who was getting a little loud and annoying trying to talk to me. Actually had some real, calm conversations with some friends I hadn't seen in awhile.
Monday - Did Thanksgiving early - worked best for our family. First Thanksgiving (except when pregnant) that I didn't drink. It was fine.
Monday - For the first time in a long time I actually had that, "I want to have a beer feeling." It was mid afternoon, sun was shining and I was cooking. In the past I would have had a beer or two while prepping all my Thanksgiving contributions at home, another one while getting ready and then more once we got there. I had a really big urge while cooking and showering. That whole rapid pules, kind of tingly, head buzzing, furrowed brow, deep breaths, grumpy feeling. I knew if I just put my head down and powered through it would go away and that is what I did, but it just felt a little stressful at the family dinner. I was little bored, anxious, tired, annoyed.... just felt like I put my head down and powered through. It was uncomfortable, but I made it through. I didn't drink, so that was good.
I have been have been having drinking dreams again. My dreams have been very stressful - being late, lost, chased, angry, running but going nowhere, missing flights, upset and then the last one guzzling beer in secret. I just feel a little out of sorts, a little grumpy.
I am starting to feel a little isolated. I feel like I have lost all of my friends, my dh is drinking (which is fine, just different for me not to be). Just don't quite know where I belong, where I fit in, what my purpose is....