Sunday, November 4, 2012

Who am I?

I had to wonder about something today.  I went to a family get together this afternoon - a boy's birthday party.  All went well.  A couple of family members said, "What? You haven't drank since when? Why?  I didn't even think you drank that much." In the past, this statement would have planted the seed in my brain that maybe I wasn't that bad.  Not today... i just said, "I was a binge drinker.  I would drink too much on the weekends and then feel like crap.  it was just becoming to important to me."  They had no idea about the anguish and turmoil I have been through fighting this drug for years.

Well, the wine was flowing.  there was even one person there that must have had 4 glasses of wine, and was getting pretty loud.  When she had finished the wine she asked what else they had.  I was watching her out of the corner of my eye because she reminded me a lot of myself.  She is about 8 years younger than me and I wondered if she would feel bad about herself in the morning, like I would have.  I thought about where I was 8 years ago.

Something that really was bothering me was how socially awkward I was feeling.  I didn't really know three of the people who were there, including the one drinking wine.  Before, I would have really liked the new people, been drinking with them, socializing, having fun and secretly enjoying that someone was drinking more than me haha! Now I just felt weird.  I was just being pretty quiet, minding my own business. I actually found myself not making a whole lot of eye contact, I don't know why.  I really don't think I made a lot of eye contact drinking either.   I also felt like these three were looking at me like I was being a bitch. Maybe I was just feeling insecure? I certainly wasn't trying to be and I felt like I was being friendly enough, but it was a little strange feeling.  I remember when I was in middle school and someone told me that she was surprised I was so nice because I always looked angry and bitchy.  I wonder - am I really like that and I used the alcohol to feel more socially "with it" or do I just feel awkward because I am not used to being in drinking situation sober?  I always thought I was super outgoing, friendly, social...or was that all just the facade of the alcohol?

I am not really sure who I am right now, or who I used to be or who I ever was????

1 comment:

  1. I think you are amazing. I miss reading your posts girl!