Saturday, October 27, 2012

Almost - yesterday

An update - I was super sick Tues and Wed. - like had to leave work sick - which is unheard of as a teacher.  You can't just leave without sub plans and a sub.  I had the flu - nauseous, achy, fever, headache...I think I slept 24 out of 48 hours!  I feel better, but am so far behind at work.  I missed 2 days this week and 3 last week for DH surgery.  Rough couple of weeks for sure!

Anyway, while I was in bed not sleeping, I was researching why I have been so tired, distracted, irritated, jumpy, having heart palpitations again and having trouble sleeping.  I was really wondering if it could be alcohol related and that is also why I drank again at the 80-90 day range last time.  I blamed it then on the spring time, summer coming, school coming to a seems awfully coincidental that I am having a bunch of symptoms that I have when I first quit drinking at the same time - 80-90 days????

I was looking into something called PAWS - post acute withdrawal symptom.  It is when someone who used to much alcohol, starts to have some of the same symptoms I am having.  It happens around this time as well. i thought is was really interesting and wondered if it played a part in why I gave in last time and why I am having a hard time this time.  Knowledge is my friend!

Last night my family including neice, nephew, sister and parents carved pumpkins.  Doing this on a Friday in the past would have meant a neighborhood party at my house!  Something I would have looked forward to all week!  Would have been on a "high" just waiting for it I guess because it meant I could drink with other drinkers - have fun, not be judged, not worry about anything ....  I typically wouldn't have wanted my sister/parents there for fear they would judge me if I drank too much. It turned out to be really a nice, calm, fulfilling evening.  I felt really good about myself as a mother, wife, sister, daughter, aunt, woman. didn't start that way.  When I got home from work, I was REALLY wanting a beer.  I mean REALLY wanting a beer!  That voice was coming on strong.....You said until Halloween....its almost here....I know you can be moderate....just give it another shot....wouldn't it be fun to have a beer right now....wouldn't it be more enjoyable...who can do what you is your life...just do deserve work has been a rough 2 or two aren't going to's just beer - it's not like it's wine....maybe it will help you sleep and make the heart palpitations go away...wouldn't it be nice to be able to have that beer on a Friday night with friends again....not feel so able to able to have fun...look forward to the weekend again....

My other voice SAID until Halloween, it isn't told your dd you were taking a break until Halloween-you know she will give you a "look" told your mom you haven't drank since August 1 - YESTERDAY!....just coincidence??? probably  not....she was so proud of you-now what she is going to see you with a beer? will you feel about yourself tomorrow?....remember what you read about said that my body will not ever truly heal itself unless you don't drink...if you drink, even 2 beers, your healing has to start all over... maybe you are just hungry, tired, thirsty....just eat something, drink something besides alcohol-wait it out- see if it goes away....maybe this is just your addiction screaming at you....are you going to let it win?.... do you really need to have that buzzy feeling in your head to enjoy the evening...all the kids have fun with a clear head...wouldn't it be cool to model having a good time without alcohol to my two teenage children? ... wouldn't that make you feel good about yourself?....let's try it with a clear might be calmer, less ADHD like....JUST DON'T DO IT!!  OMG THIS IS EXHAUSTING!!

Well my mature voice won-thank goodness!  PAWS also says that you have to take some responsibility to minimize the symptoms - get enough sleep, don't sleep too much, eat healthy, stay hydrated, exercise, relax, find your spirituality.

I take this as - you don't heal passively.  You have to take an active role in recovery.  I need to work on myself. i can't just sit back, be an observer of my own life and hope for change. I need to do things that take care of me - even if I don't feel like it so I have the strength to fight that childish, needing, whining, irritating, extremely persuasive voice that wants what it wants immediately! It takes advantage of a weakened (or weekend haha) state and tries to convince me quickly while I am hungry, tired, grumpy, etc. before I have a chance to stop myself.  

One think at a time - this week my focus is going to be on nutrition and hydration.

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you researched PAWS, this summer when I went back to work I suffered such anxiety that I felt like I was having panic attacks almost every day. Whether it was PAWS or just plain old nervousness, I don't know, it's hard feeling normal feelings after we've been so used to anesthetizing ourselves for so long, but it helped me to put a name on it and know that it wasn't just me going crazy.

    Good for you on Friday night.

    It's good to see you back posting.