Had a very productive day yesterday and then proceeded to drink 4 hard seltzers while cooking dinner. Very disappointed in myself.
I wonder why my drinking creeps up on my when I am feeling good. You would think that if I were feeling positive about sobriety and/or not drinking too much over the weekend, it would encourage me to stay the course. Instead I drink bc I feel good about not drinking. It doesn't make sense.
I know this happened with my dad, which is why I went to 7 different elementary schools. We would move for a fresh start, he would do really well for awhile, then he would drink, lose his teaching job and we would have to move again. I could never understand why he would go back to drinking when things were going so well.
It is almost like the addiction does not allow you to see that things are going well BECAUSE you are not drinking not in spite of it. And it gives you this false sense of confidence that you can try to drink moderately again. Man - alcohol sure does mess your mind up...it is a bizarre thing.
Still striving for sobriety...
I think that is unbelievably insightful.
ReplyDeleteYou are an inspirational woman. Right now.
What support could you gather to make a real attempt at embracing sobriety, not as a punishment, but as freedom from addiction. Because only addiction and compulsion could have a person swear one hour they were done drinking because it was hurting them physically and emotionally and the next drink for no apparent reason.
I know. I did the exact same things.
Call a therapist. Go to SMART recovery. See your doctor. Whatever it takes. It's so worth the initial pain.
Anne
I have decided that no matter how I try to understand addiction, it is impossible to understand at times.
ReplyDeleteIt is bizarre!
xo
Wendy
Hey! It's me...
ReplyDeleteSo, I just finished this book - and it only took a couple days to read because I couldn't put it down. On the way to work this morning I said I HAVE to find your blog and share it with you. Its by Caroline Knapp. "Drinking, A love story". Holy shit, hang on to your hat - this book was meant for us. I bought it with 'kindle' and it just goes to my computer/phone etc, cheaper and easier than physically trying to find a book and carry it around, especially when the title is so telling. PLEASE read this book!
That is one of my absolute favourites.
DeleteOh my gosh - Mirror, Mirror - you are back. I have missed you and I am reading that book right now! It so explains how I think about alcohol.
DeleteI miss you and hope you are ok...
ReplyDeleteAnne
'Instead I drink bc I feel good about not drinking. It doesn't make sense.' That absolutely resonates. I guess it is because wine was the reward for me for so very long. Takes a while to rewire the upstairs department, but it can and will happen. I have to remind myself of that every damn day. Making dinner and wine is a MAJOR trigger for me. Come back! x
ReplyDelete