I did drink both Friday and Saturday nights this weekend. I don't know why. I just figured January was over so why not. I did moderate and didn't have much of a hangover either day. I did not drink at a Super Bowl party yesterday even though most people there were drinking quite a bit and getting pretty rowdy. I did not have a hangover yesterday and I still just didn't feel like drinking. I didn't even crave it. I was worried I might, but I didn't. I didn't even have a problem telling people that I wasn't drinking when they asked. I just didn't care what they thought (which truth be told - they could care less). It just felt good, right, comfortable to say, "I'm not drinking because I just feel so much better when I don't."
Even though this would have been a successful weekend in the past and I would have been proud of myself this Monday morning, I just still don't think I want to drink anymore. I am more tired today than I have been on any other Monday morning in January bc I didn't sleep well bc of drinking. I also just get so hyper when drinking that I feel like I used up a lot of energy this weekend (coupled with lack of good sleep) that leaves me just feeling a bit depleted and drained today. I am definitely becoming more and more aware of the impact alcohol has on my physically (tired, low motivation) and mentally (a little down, loss of joy) even when I am able to successfully moderate. In the past I have judged my success by the lack of a hangover. No hangover - success. Now it is more about - feel good - success. I don't think I feel good when I drink even a small amount of alcohol.
I feel like I am getting to a place where even successfully moderating doesn't even sound appealing- like that jealousy of people that moderate - that desire to successfully moderate - that pissed off feeling that I can't - doesn't even appeal to me any more. I can honestly say that I think sobriety is becoming more of something I crave rather than successfully moderating - and I am saying this without a hangover.
I don't think I have ever said that I crave sobriety before - getting closer and closer to the prize! 100% peaceful, joyful, energetic sobriety :)
We all spend time in the contemplation phase. Or perhaps information gathering...
ReplyDeleteAt some point we move to actio and recognize that this might not be an easy change, but it is a worthwhile one.
Early sobriety is a hard time. We start to heal physically and emotionally. Neither of those things are easy.
Keep evaluating where you are. If I could show you how much better my life has become I would.
I spent years thinking that drinking was the only way to maintain a fun social life. In hindsight I was just wasting my time. It's actually bizarre to realize that.
I love football. I thoroughly enjoyed watching the game yesterday. And I remember it! There are many I forgot.
Take care.
Anne
Me too on what Anne said!
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Wendy
Wow! I've been away from the blogs for a while and what a pleasant surprise to come back and read this, k. I'm so happy for you. I'm reading a book right now called, "Beyond Addiction: How Science And Kindness Help People Change" and it discusses how being kind and supportive is so much more productive in recovery than being confrontational and issuing ultimatums. We know this, we see it in the comments section of the blogs all the time, all those kind and compassionate words of encouragement, but we so often forget to use that kindness on ourselves. I hear you being kind to yourself in this post-so much more than before. Keep doing that, you deserve it, your self has worked so hard and persevered so long to get here. Love you!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to see you back Kary
DeleteI agree Kary. I also know that I am a much more kind and supportive of everyone else including myself when I am sober.
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