Monday, February 6, 2017
2/6/17 (Sun) - Drank this weekend but craving sobriety
I did drink both Friday and Saturday nights this weekend. I don't know why. I just figured January was over so why not. I did moderate and didn't have much of a hangover either day. I did not drink at a Super Bowl party yesterday even though most people there were drinking quite a bit and getting pretty rowdy. I did not have a hangover yesterday and I still just didn't feel like drinking. I didn't even crave it. I was worried I might, but I didn't. I didn't even have a problem telling people that I wasn't drinking when they asked. I just didn't care what they thought (which truth be told - they could care less). It just felt good, right, comfortable to say, "I'm not drinking because I just feel so much better when I don't."
Even though this would have been a successful weekend in the past and I would have been proud of myself this Monday morning, I just still don't think I want to drink anymore. I am more tired today than I have been on any other Monday morning in January bc I didn't sleep well bc of drinking. I also just get so hyper when drinking that I feel like I used up a lot of energy this weekend (coupled with lack of good sleep) that leaves me just feeling a bit depleted and drained today. I am definitely becoming more and more aware of the impact alcohol has on my physically (tired, low motivation) and mentally (a little down, loss of joy) even when I am able to successfully moderate. In the past I have judged my success by the lack of a hangover. No hangover - success. Now it is more about - feel good - success. I don't think I feel good when I drink even a small amount of alcohol.
I feel like I am getting to a place where even successfully moderating doesn't even sound appealing- like that jealousy of people that moderate - that desire to successfully moderate - that pissed off feeling that I can't - doesn't even appeal to me any more. I can honestly say that I think sobriety is becoming more of something I crave rather than successfully moderating - and I am saying this without a hangover.
I don't think I have ever said that I crave sobriety before - getting closer and closer to the prize! 100% peaceful, joyful, energetic sobriety :)