Sunday, February 12, 2017

2/12/17 (Sun) - Better than last weekend - will continue to post and work on my goals

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I drank Friday night.  Not much - 2 glasses of wine and 2 hard seltzers.  I did not have a hangover, did not drink last night (didn't even want to) and felt fine this weekend - no hangovers.

I struggle with posting when I am drinking.  I usually just stop posting for a couple months. Things slowly get bad over a few months and then I come crawling back, completely defeated, and try again. I just don't want to. I don't know if it is because I am kind of ashamed and feel guilty that I am not keeping my sober goals or if it is because I just would rather not analyze it, think about it, or blog about it when I am drinking.  I know that if I am not blogging about it, reading about it, thinking about it I will progressively, slowly get worse.  I want to be 100% sober and I know that will not happen if I bury my head in the sand, look the other way and ignore it. I used to think that I was giving myself the obsession - it was just my latest selfish preoccupation and that if I just stopped thinking I had a problem then the problem would go away and I could successfully drink moderately - like everyone else.  I have finally learned that I do have a problem and I can't pretend I don't or dismiss it as being all in my head (as in making a big deal out of nothing which then becomes a big deal).

This is a big deal and I know deep down in my heart that I want to be the inspirational, peaceful, patient, content, truly happy sober woman that I know I can be.  I know that. I know I ultimately want that more than being able to successfully moderate - partly because I am not sure I can successfully moderate over time and partly because I feel better and am better when I am sober.

So...I will continue to post no matter what the weekend was like. And I will continue to analyze and read and think and try.  I am not going to give up this time.  I will get there.  It is just up to me how long it will take....

1 comment:

  1. I think it's good you do post, for these reasons:
    For honesty, and for clarity.
    Writing can help us see things clearly.
    And when we drink, we often want to hide.
    It's when we shine the light in the darkness that we can start to see.