I feel better when i don't drink

First of all, thank you so much for those that respond to my blog.  I actually feel kind of a commitment to update.  I know there was a blog I was checking for a couple of months of someone who was trying to stop.  She hadn't posted in a long time, and I just found myself so concerned that something bad had happened.

Anyway, did not drink during the week last week.  I was pretty busy with ds basketball practice, dd back to school night and my own stuff at school.  It really never even crossed my mind.  Pretty tired all week.  Just couldn't keep my head up past 7:00 even though I was sleeping pretty well and not drinking...a little discouraging.

Friday, I knew I had to get ds to bb practice at 7:30 so that kept the urges away before that. After, I went to a sort of celebration party for someone who is dear to me.  Kind of a business thing, so no alcohol.  I maybe wouldn't have gone if what I really wanted was to get home to drink.  It felt nice to show up for something you really don't want to go to, just to make someone else happy, instead of blowing it off to drink.  Seems a little less selfish.  Had planned on dh picking ds up, but I decided to.  Kept me busy.  Did not have the desire to drink at all.

Saturday, FINALLY!!!, I woke up feeling fantastic!  I cleaned my house, did my yard work, did laundry and paid bills.  I had energy and it felt great!  As is so typical in my neighborhood, a BBQ started being planned around noon for that evening.  Everyone was going, and I was a little nervous.  They wanted me to do it, which I would have jumped at in the past.  I said, "No." I still had my work to finish, I had just cleaned my house and I wanted to be able to leave if I needed to.

I finish my work, take a shower and we go over a little late.  I figure if everyone already has their buzz on, they will be less concerned with me.  Wine is flowing, homemade beer is being poured. Everyone is laughing and having a good time.  I walk in with a great big Sobe and my dinner.  I eat, drink my Sobe, which I usually wouldn't drink (too much sugar) but figure it is better than alcohol, and am settling in.  My neighbor tells me there is wine in the kitchen, and I tell her I am thinking about what to drink, just full at the moment, which was actually true.  I was actually having a little battle in my head....I am going to have a glass of wine...I will stop at 2....it is already 8:00....I can stop at 2....I worked hard today....It will be fine...I am good....this time will be different...I will try harder this time....It is a beautiful evening... It would be nice to relax, enjoy the evening with my friends with a glass of wine...my kids aren't here so they wouldn't know...nobody here knows or cares..........................................................

I almost had that glass of wine, but............  someone, I think it was lulu, said something that has totally resonated with me  

I FEEL BETTER WHEN I DON'T DRINK

I can't argue that with myself, there is no way I can say that I am just obsessing with that thought, it doesn't sound negative, it is coming from a positive place, it doesn't sound so scary/judgy to tell other people, it sounds healthy, it just feel right to me because it is true...no matter what else I try to tell myself, I feel better when I don't drink.  That couple of hours of "fun" just isn't better than how much better  I feel physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally when I don't drink....so I didn't and I actually had fun...OMG!!!! I talked, participated, was totally in control of my volume, everything I was doing and saying.  When one of my friends started dancing I thought about what I would have been doing.  When one of my friends started slurring, I thought about how much better I was going to feel in the morning.

The only person that said anything the rest of the evening, was another neighbor when I was getting ready to leave.  He said, "Come on, just stay and have one more (he meant beer)."  I found myself almost laughing out loud....he thought I was drinking all along. I said, "One more glass of water?  I might pee my pants!"  

Maybe, finally, fingers crossed, with this mantra - I feel better when I don't drink - I have turned a corner.  I hope so because I feel pretty darn amazing!

Why do I drink?

I like to tell myself it is to help me relax.
I like to tell myself it is to fight boredom.
I like to tell myself it is to celebrate a Friday in the sun.
I like to tell myself it is to help me socialize with my friends.
I like to tell myself it is to help me enjoy vacations/holidays.
I like to tell myself it is to help me have fun.
I like to tell myself it is to help me fit in, to feel accepted.
I like to tell myself it is to help me not feel left out.
I like to tell myself it is to help others not feel uncomfortable around me.
I like to tell myself that I deserve it after a long day.
I like to tell myself that I am fine and I can handle it.
I like to tell myself that I am making a big deal out of nothing.
I like to tell myself that I a obsessing over obsessing.

The reality:

Those are all just excuses my addiction uses to trick me.

I drink because I am addicted to alcohol.  My body and my brain need it and will tell me whatever I need to hear to give in and feed it the addictive drug that it craves.

What do I say???

What I am struggling with right now is how to deal with other people.  I don't want to tell people I am not drinking bc I don't want it to be a big deal.  I don't want people to feel uncomfortable around me.  I want everyone to do what they normally do and not worry about me.

I went out to dinner with some girlfriends last Sunday.  I was not drinking and I think the whole atmosphere was a little weird.  I talked to my friend about it later and she agreed (I thought maybe it was just me).  I said maybe i just felt it bc I wasn't drinking.  She said maybe she felt it bc I wasn't drinking.  That's what I am talking about.  I know I was always really uncomfortable drinking around someone who wasn't bc they had "issues" with it.  I don't want to be "that person."

On the other hand, sometimes it makes it easier.  My really good drinking buddy doesn't even call me when she knows I am not drinking.  I think she wants to drink and is just respecting me.  That makes it easier.  It makes me question our friendship a little but it does make it easier.

I also don't want to avoid everyone, hide in my house which just adds to the boredom/depression.  I tried that last time and I think is was so isolating that it is one of the reasons I started drinking again in April.  How do I deal with that?  How do I balance my sobriety with still being the social person that I am?

Darn it :(

I have to admit, I had thoughts of just "calling the whole thing off" - not blogging, not posting on my support group list, just living my life like a "normal" person, not thinking about this all the time.  I decided that doing that wold not help my situation.

In the spirit of always being true to myself on this blog and truly keeping a record of event and my felling around them in an effort to analyze what happened, I am going to come clean.

School started for me on Wednesday, it was a long three days getting my classroom ready.  I was SO committed to this abs period.  I did have thoughts during the day about a beer being nice when I got home, but I pushed them out my head trying to think positively from a place of gratitude rather than deprivation.  i really was fighting the urges, doing pretty well I thought.  There was even a Friday afternoon party at someone's house to kick off the school year.  I did not go and stayed at school until 6:00 getting stuff done but also to try to avoid that Friday afternoon urge.

So I get home, start putting my things away and see my neighbor outside watering her plants.  I know she knows I got home bc her dog loves me and is barking towards my house.  I go outside to say hi and she says, "Are you ready for a beer?"

After all that talking and thinking and writing and deciding and analyzing and reading and obsessing and agonizing and withdrawing and desire for things to be different and determination and slef-hatred and positivity and acceptance and surrender and ......... I said, "Sure!"  I didn't even think about it.  The only thought that came into my head was, "It's Friday, its nice outside, I want to sit outside and relax and I don't know how to do that without a beer.  So I am having one or maybe two and then going on with the rest of my evening. No big deal."  The problem is I had 4.

I am not going to analyze why it happened, I think that would be a waste of energy.  It happened because I have an addiction to alcohol and it got the best of me last night.

What I am going to do is move forward with my abs.  This is not going to be an excuse to give up and try to moderate again as slip ups have in the past.  I am back to absing.  I had a little slip up last night. I am not very happy about it and don't physically feel as good this morning as I would have had it not happened, but I am not going to let it derail me.

What I really am struggling with is how do I deal with situations like that in the future?  I know - just ride it out, wait, distract yourself, don't drink...I know all of that, but it is so much easier said than done. Any advice for conquering this situation in the future would be appreciated.

Scary s**t!

Sooo...here goes a gut wrenchingly honest post...

I was watching the new Intervention show last night right before going to bed.  I don't know why I like that show so much.  I like to think it is bc I can relate, but maybe it is the whole - I am not that bad thing?

Anyway, it was about this girl who just could not put enough alcohol in her body, no matter how wasted she was, she just couldn't stop until she passed out.

I turned the TV off and, in the dark, started thinking about what that would feel like.  This is really hard to explain...I think that could be me...I could relate to that feeling of having an insatiable urge to keep drinking...no matter what...just coming from this place in my core, like deep down inside, like this overwhelming, primal need to fill this thirst, this gaping pit in my soul that would never be satisfied...I FELT THAT!  I felt that "need" welling up from my core. By just trying to relate to the girl on the show, I felt it move from a place of irrational, primal need in my chest to a rational, sane thought in my head. I heard myself say, "Well there is a refrigerator full of beer downstairs...."  Holy Hell!  Did my brain just make that jump?  It wasn't really an urge, and I pushed it out as quickly as it came in but still...

I started trying to remember a time when I really did feel that "physical need".  I started off with only remembering like 2 times, but the more I thought about it, the more I could remember...the time I was at a baby shower and it was almost over. I felt a little panicked and was secretly finishing everyone's wine glasses in the kitchen...the time I decided to drink on a Tuesday and was finishing beers in the garage so my kids wouldn't see...the time at a part,y, that was wrapping up, and I got that panicky feeling of having to be done so I  snuck another beer and drank half of it before I rejoin my friends so they would think in was the same one (one time I think I did that 3 times)...like the time, at a party, when I "accidently" grabbed this older ladies wine glass instead of mine bc mine was gone (I didn't even care if she noticed, I just needed more)...like just 2 weeks ago when I was gulping wine before I went to bed bc I just didn't feel "done" (even though I had had plenty).  I think it happened a lot of time, I have just ignored it and pushed it away.

As I was remembering, I was also realizing that it has been happening more and more often.  It is not just drinking too much on accident (although that is usually the case) but sometimes is has become trying to fill that "hole in my soul."  By the time I start feeling that way, I have already had too much so all rational thought has left my brain...the only thing my brain is thinking is GIVE ME MORE!

The super scary part is that I could "feel" (not understand or think or contemplate) but "feel" how someone could loose everything bc of that "need."  I could "feel" it in my bones.

For those of you that have lost everything, is that what it feels like?  Is that the way my dad felt when he lost all those jobs, lost his family, got DUIs, destroyed his life? Does any of this make any sense?

a "true" alcoholic?

Thanks, Kary May, for posting this thread...it got me thinking...

I am beginning to see that as long as I didn't call myself an "alcoholic", I was giving myself permission to keep trying to moderate.  My father was a "true alcoholic" (LOL).  He did lose his family, job (I went to 7 elementary schools bc we had to keep moving), did get a dui, was in jail, did call my mom crying for her to come get him out swearing it would be the last time, did run over more than one mailbox with his daughters in the back seat, did make promises over and over to her and to us that once we moved it would be different and he would stop, did almost die, did remarry another alcoholic who shot herself while they were both drinking on antibuse (?).....

As long as I wasn't that, I could still try to moderate.  I think this perception what has been keeping me stuck...

Do I really need the validation of all of the bad stuff before I finally admit I have a problem and need to stop?

addictions

I was thinking today about the difference between alcohol, nicotine, heroin, pot, whatever addictions.  The book I am reading right now is trying to make the point that an addiction is an addiction is an addiction.  The only difference with alcohol and nicotine is that they are legal and that alcohol is socially accepted.  I said that to my friend and she said, "Well people aren't knocking off 7-11s to get their alcohol fix."  I said, "They could be if it were illegal.  Let's make alcohol illegal and see what happens!"

When I quit smoking along time ago, I would have never said to myself, "OK, now you are just taking a break until Halloween.  Let's just not smoke for 3 months and then go back and see if you can moderate.  You will just try harder this time."  That would have been asinine!  If I took the three months to quit, go through the withdrawal, get it out of my system, why in the world would I want to put it back in?

I have not even done any other drugs so I don't know how that feels, but in all the rehab shows I watch on TV, Dr. Drew is not advising them to get clean for awhile so they can try to moderate again...they just need to try harder this time.

Sometimes it just all seems so stupid to me.