4/21/19 (Sun) - How bad it was

I just went back and read my posts from last April.  Geez! I was a mess.  I was terribly stuck in the "I don't want to drink but continue to drink" loop.  I wanted so badly for last spring/summer to be different. I desperately wanted to do 40 days or maybe even (don't dare to think it could be possible) one year sober! I went on to also have a terrible, mentally ill, addicted May until I called for help June 10.

While I am still not feeling great, but I am so glad I am not where I was last year.  I have over 10 months under my belt and know I will make it a year. As uncomfortable as I may be feeling now, it is nowhere near the devastating misery I was feeling last spring.

I went to therapy on Thursday. I so badly wanted to cancel but knew I would be disappointed in myself if I didn't go bc I would have broken a commitment I made to myself.  It was fine. It's just kinda weird to not be able to go when you really need it and then when you do get an appointment, you feel better so don't really want to talk about anything.

We talked a little bit about ACT (Acceptance/Commitment/Therapy) which I found interesting. She said to try to disconnect from my thoughts.  Just because I am thinking something doesn't make it true. I thought of it like - instead of being in the middle of a tornado of bad thoughts with everything swirling around me, overwhelming me, think of my thoughts as a bank of storm clouds.  Take cover, take care of myself, notice they are there but just wait and watch them pass by.  This was a pretty interesting metaphor for me. She is having a 6 week ACT support group on Thursday evenings. I think I will go. It may help me get through this first ever sober spring.

I also went to the Lifering meeting I have been wanting to try out.  It was weird that I wasn't at all scared or nervous to share my story, unlike IOP last summer when I was terrified and having a panic attack about it.  I didn't really get much out of this group. There were about 6 people sitting around sharing their week and any struggles they have coming up. I suppose it is supportive for them as some have been attending for years, but it just didn't do much for me. I like it better when that kind of "go around the circle and share" is accompanied by an actual topic or something new to learn about - a new perspective. This is why I am going to try out the ACT group. It will cost me $25 every week, while Lifering is free, but it is worth it. I was spending that much last spring on alcohol.

When I start feeling sorry for myself because I can't drink, I am going to come back here and read how miserable I was last spring...how I would have given anything to be in my shoes this spring - 10 months down 2 to go until I have made it to one year.  I need to remember how bad it was so I can appreciate how much better it is.