4/13/19 10 Months

Well, truth be told, this month has not been easy. Previously, I had been overwhelmed with obligations at school and a flooded basement. I was very busy. I seem to actually do ok when really busy. I miss having a couple drink on the weekend to unwind and relax but am usually so tired I just go to bed.

What is harder for me is when everything becomes calm and I am not so busy. Then, it seems, all of my emotions come bubbling up, I get depressed, anxious, and really just despondent to life. We went on a vacation over spring break to Alaska to see my daughter and while I love being there and seeing her, it was really hard. It wasn't because I wanted to drink. Sure, I thought about it constantly...what would I be doing now? how much more fun would Mario Party be with a few drinks? etc. but I really didn't have much of a craving. In fact, I really noticed that it was way more relaxing than when drinking while on vacation.

What was difficult was my lack of anything to do...not much to do in southeast Alaska in spring. While spending my days sleeping in, walking my daughter's dog, playing games, etc was very relaxing, it also did something to my mood. It is hard to explain. I just got this whole - what is life all about/my life kinda sucks/why am I not happy/what is wrong with me/questioning everything/ever sensitive/down in the dumps/emotional kind of feeling. And then I had this feeling of if life is going to suck anyway, I might as well drink and enjoy it once in a while...get some relief from my depression/anxiety/boredom. We got back home and it took me a solid 5 days to shake the feeling. I still don't feel great but better.

Confused by my feelings, I started researching (I know shocker) and found something really interesting in an article about PAWS. This article said that PAWS can hit you up to two years into sobriety and it talked about the stages of relapse. I know I have written about his before, but I seem to have forgotten it (maybe my addicted brain wants me to forget). I had always thought that relapse was when you have that panicky/ I have to drink/go get one now before you change your mind/ hurry anxiety attack that I get right before I hastily slam a beer down my throat before I can talk myself out of it. I know that to deal with those I need to quickly distract myself, eat something, drink something (other than alcohol) call someone, etc...just power through until it passes.

What I had forgotten about were the reliable, predictable stages that lead up to that. Stage 1 - Emotional Relapse. This is exactly where I was in Juneau...depressed/sad/not enjoying life (but should be)/anxious/just feeling crappy. Not really wanting to drink but starting to think that if life is going to such anyway.....just thinking about getting some relief.  Stage 2 - Mental Relapse. I was close to starting down this road...trying to convince myslef I wasn't that bad, that I could try harder, that I don't want to live the rest of my life like this - without being able to drink (I all of a sudden need to stop writing about this becasue I can feel it waking something up in my head!).  Stage four - the physical panic attack that leads to drinking.

I know that I need to deal with my shit well before it gets to the physical stage. That is why I have an apt with my therapist this week, am making an apt with my dr and am going to a local Lifering meeting. I do not want to drink but am not super happy sober at the moment....jsut being honest.