Friday - March 5 - 64 Days Sober
I made a conscious decision that I would ONLY drink when in a social situation that was excruciatingly painful not to. That I really was enjoying my life more sober except in those situations.
Saturday - March 6 - 2 beers
Saturday - March 14 - 3 beers
Spring Break
Friday - March 20 - 2 beers
Saturday - March 21 - 4 glasses of wine
Monday - March 23 - 2 beers (alone while cooking - hiding it)
Tuesday - March 24 - 2 beers (alone while cooking - hiding it)
Thursday - March 26 - 2 beers
Ski Trip
Friday - March 27 - 4 beers (1 alone when arriving - drank fast to hide it)
Saturday - March 28 - 1 Bloody Mary (alone), 4 beers (one alone), one glass of wine (no one else drinking at dinner)
March 29 - exhausted, sad, anxious, nervous, disappointed, confused, angry
WHY CAN'T I NOT DRINK 95% OF THE TIME AND ONLY DRINK ONCE IN AWHILE IN UNCOMFORTABLE SOCIAL SITUATIONS!?!?!?!?!?!
I'm so sorry...my heart goes out to you. I wish I could drink like normal people, in fact some times I can, but most times I can't. For me at least I am beginning to accept the fact that this is an all or nothing proposition. Hard to swallow - but true. I hope you find your way. I am rooting for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're feeling awful. But I have to say, I don't see this as failure. I think every time you try to see if you can drink moderately, you learn something. This time, it hasn't taken that long for you to see it's not working. I know I'm going against the grain in what I'm saying, but I think the idea that this is a success/failure thing isn't helpful. You keep learning from these attempts at drinking. At the same time, for me I know accepting I couldn't drink was the key to quitting for good. But that took time, and a whole lot of back and forth that I didn't chronicle online.
ReplyDeleteI do hope you aren't too tough on yourself here. This stuff is hard. And you're online writing about it, and trying to figure it out, so that counts for a lot. Take care. xo
Because. Quit trying to figure out why. Accept that's the way it is and if it were ever going to change, it would have by now. You've tried as hard as you can. Let it go.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Thirsty Still and Kary May - think of this as Failure not feedback. I struggle with many of the same things you have mentioned. I have finally decided to not try to fully understand my issue, but recognize that I will learn more about it in time. I have been focusing on the acceptance piece.
ReplyDeleteBe gentle with yourself...if it were easy there wouldn't be a million and a half sober blogs and memoirs.