Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Flabbergasted

Ok, I am just going to vent here.  My 17 yd is in so much trouble right now.  I just found out that she has been sneaking around, drinking (including vodka shots), and lying to my face about it.  She is, needless to say so grounded, but I am also using the opportunity to talk to her about why she has been drinking and it scares the hell out of me.  She says that if she stays out too late (bc she is having a sleepover at a friends house and therefore is not abiding by her curfew) she gets tired and bored and drinks to have fun longer - that is so me!  She also says she drinks to feel more confident in social situations - so her dad!  I am so scared for her - not only the drinking and driving and the getting in trouble with the police but also that she is beginning her life long battle with alcohol that I have had to deal with.

Anyway, she has this best friend who is very controlling over her - the jealous, can't be left out, doesn't want any boyfriends around - type of friend who doesn't get into trouble for anything ever.  Her mom knows she drinks (says she is just choosing to not have her head in the sand and they are 17 - what do you think the are doing?)  Her friend has a curfew, but the parents go to bed, she gets home at 3 AM but is never asked what time she got home.  My daughter has been getting in a lot of trouble since hanging out with this girl (for about the past year).  The friend has no regard for whether my dd will get in trouble bc she never does.  I told my dd she needed to find some new friend.

I do not and will not condone underage drinking.  I think is it illegal, irresponsible and dangerous and frankly reckless parenting to know it is going on and do nothing.  I called this mom just as a mom to mom thing trying to say, "I just want you to know our dd have been up to."

I was totally attacked!  She told me that the reason my dd lies to me is bc I am too controlling. She said, "How dare I tell my dd that she can't be friends with her dd!  She said that out parenting styles are obviously very different and that I obviously don't have the relationship with my dd that she has with her dd bc my dd can't talk to me about the drinking bc I wouldn't approve."  I, btw, thought that I had a pretty amazing relationship with my dd until yesterday.

Thoughts?

2 comments:

  1. No advice, just some empathy. I've had to deal with some underage substance use (abuse?) stuff with all three of my kids. I agree that it's a mistake to condone it, but as you have discovered, where there's a will there's a way, and many kids want to get trashed.

    Hang in there--the fact that your teenaged daughter is keeping secrets from you (especially regarding things she think you will disapprove of) does not mean you have a "bad" relationship, IMO. Sounds pretty normal to me. I adored my mother and i miss her every day and she had NO IDEA some of the shit I was pulling in high school and college-ha!

    I agree with having rules and punishments. Of course, leading by example is the best thing (as always) that you can do for her.

    Lulu

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  2. My thought is this.....if you're still drinking and know that you have a problem, she sees this and doesn't think she should have to abstain. If you are sober and trying to stay sober, you can have a talk with her about how alcoholism runs in families-it's a disease. I'm not judging, just speaking from experience. I was the "cool" mom that drank with my daughter. When I got sober, I had the talk with her about how it runs in families and it's best to nip it in the bud when you are young and haven't yet ruined your life. She's almost 25 now and starting to listen. Linda

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