Saturday, June 16, 2012

6/16/12 (Sat) Struggling - Life Sucks

So here we are .... I feel like crap, sad, depressed, shaky, defeated, sorrowful....

I just got back from a student trip to the east coast.  It was amazing.  I loved every minute of it.  It might be the first "vacation" I have taken without drinking.  It was amazing to wake up every morning at 6 am, ready to start the day instead of being tired, spacey, yucky feeling.  I was good.  I hadn't drank in like 12 days or something.

Then I had 2 on Thursday and 4 last night.  I was back to my old self of dominating the conversation, drinking quickly, not caring ....

Today I am paying the price - emotionally, physically, spiritually - I think I may need to look at absing again.....  Life sucks - with alcohol and without alcohol!


  1. Oh Friend, I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I have to wonder if something else physical is going on, I wouldn't think 4 drinks would make you feel that bad, but then again, you aren't the hard core drinker I was and you had just gone without for almost 2 weeks, that will get you. Did you ever read the book Beyond the Influence, I've been reading back through some of the parts I skimmed the first time I read it because they made me too uncomfortable. You might want to read the chapter A Diet For Sobriety, it really has some interesting insights into how alcohol messes with our body. It might help. Life shouldn't suck.

  2. now it sounds like while on your vacation life didn't suck without need to find some way to bring your happy-sober attitude back into the real world.

    Four drinks after a couple weeks off absolutely would have made me feel like crap...I hear ya on that one. Like you, my numbers were never really alarming (although I tended toward daily or near-daily drinking rather than only weekends) but the obsession was there and was finally what made me give it up.

    To me, the biggest warning sign that alcohol is a problem for anybody is how terrible they think giving it up is/will be. If you developed an allergy to shellfish (like I have) would you sit around thinking how miserable it will be to give up shrimp and lobster...describing what amazing suckage your life will have without shellfish? Somehow I doubt it. I suspect your attitude would be more along the lines of "that's a bummer. Oh, well."

    The fact that you're assigning so much IMPORTANCE to alcohol as it relates to your happiness is a red flag, IMO.

    I sure wish I had a magic wand I would wave over your head and cover you with happy-sober sparkles where you would be happy as a non-drinker...unfortunately, I have no wand (although how awesome would a magic wand be, right?)

    For the most part, I agree with Abraham Lincoln when he said, "People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be." Obviously I don't hold this up to something like depression or major life-shit going on...mental illness is no joke and even healthy people aren't happy all the time.

    Of course, I have to admit my baseline temperament tends to be optimistic and I'm sure this has helped me. But I've met several people who's baseline is not-so-happy but they have found peace by getting out from underneath drinking's thumb. Overall, the feeling of freedom and self-respect I have found by giving up alcohol has outweighed giving up the social-feeling-at-ease etc... I got from alcohol. Just like the not-having-giant-hives has out weighed the tastiness of shellfish.

    Okay--too much ramble for a sunday morning. Please, K, take care of yourself...and if you ever want to come back to the list, please do....we've all missed you.