Saturday, June 16, 2012

Struggling

So here we are .... I feel like crap, sad, depressed, shaky, defeated, sorrowful....

I just got back from a student trip to the east coast.  It was amazing.  I loved every minute of it.  It might be the first "vacation" I have taken without drinking.  It was amazing to wake up every morning at 6 am, ready to start the day instead of being tired, spacey, yucky feeling.  I was good.  I hadn't drank in like 12 days or something.

Then I had 2 on Thursday and 4 last night.  I was back to my old self of dominating the conversation, drinking quickly, not caring ....

Today I am paying the price - emotionally, physically, spiritually - I think I may need to look at absing again.....  Life sucks - with alcohol and without alcohol!

2 comments:

  1. Oh Friend, I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I have to wonder if something else physical is going on, I wouldn't think 4 drinks would make you feel that bad, but then again, you aren't the hard core drinker I was and you had just gone without for almost 2 weeks, that will get you. Did you ever read the book Beyond the Influence, I've been reading back through some of the parts I skimmed the first time I read it because they made me too uncomfortable. You might want to read the chapter A Diet For Sobriety, it really has some interesting insights into how alcohol messes with our body. It might help. Life shouldn't suck.

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  2. now it sounds like while on your vacation life didn't suck without alcohol...you need to find some way to bring your happy-sober attitude back into the real world.

    Four drinks after a couple weeks off absolutely would have made me feel like crap...I hear ya on that one. Like you, my numbers were never really alarming (although I tended toward daily or near-daily drinking rather than only weekends) but the obsession was there and was finally what made me give it up.

    To me, the biggest warning sign that alcohol is a problem for anybody is how terrible they think giving it up is/will be. If you developed an allergy to shellfish (like I have) would you sit around thinking how miserable it will be to give up shrimp and lobster...describing what amazing suckage your life will have without shellfish? Somehow I doubt it. I suspect your attitude would be more along the lines of "that's a bummer. Oh, well."

    The fact that you're assigning so much IMPORTANCE to alcohol as it relates to your happiness is a red flag, IMO.

    I sure wish I had a magic wand I would wave over your head and cover you with happy-sober sparkles where you would be happy as a non-drinker...unfortunately, I have no wand (although how awesome would a magic wand be, right?)

    For the most part, I agree with Abraham Lincoln when he said, "People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be." Obviously I don't hold this up to something like depression or major life-shit going on...mental illness is no joke and even healthy people aren't happy all the time.

    Of course, I have to admit my baseline temperament tends to be optimistic and I'm sure this has helped me. But I've met several people who's baseline is not-so-happy but they have found peace by getting out from underneath drinking's thumb. Overall, the feeling of freedom and self-respect I have found by giving up alcohol has outweighed giving up the social-feeling-at-ease etc... I got from alcohol. Just like the not-having-giant-hives has out weighed the tastiness of shellfish.

    Okay--too much ramble for a sunday morning. Please, K, take care of yourself...and if you ever want to come back to the list, please do....we've all missed you.
    hugs,
    Lulu

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