3/21/19 - Diabetes?!?!? Drinking?!?!?

Last weekend I was at my sister's house and we were messing around with her husband's blood sugar level tester that he has for diabetes.  My sister and son were at around 100-110 which is normal. I tested mine and it was 170! I was shocked! What?!?!?! I am not overweight and try to watch what I eat. Sure I could work out more but I have never had high blood sugar and have always had normal, healthy blood tests. Turns out, I found out because I tested my blood again later after I had washed my hands, that the Mango I had been eating earlier was on my skin and was inflating my number. I am actually around a 94.

The interesting (maybe pathetic) part of this story is that while we thought I suddenly had diabetes, my sister said, "Maybe this is why you can't tolerate alcohol. Alcohol has a lot of sugar in it and maybe the diabetes is making it so that you can't process it correctly and that is why it affects you more and you always have terrible hangovers."

All of a sudden, a switch flipped in my brain, what if that is true? What if I really do have diabetes and that explains everything. What if I go to the doctor get some medication for diabetes, get my blood sugar under control and then I CAN DRINK AGAIN?!?!?!?  WHAT?!?!? Really?!?! I could drink like a normal person - being able to stop at one or two and not wake up with a hellacious hangover after 3! I WAS SO EXCITED! I was actually thinking about if I could get to the doctor and get medication before our vacation that starts tomorrow!

My husband was like, "Oh my God! Seriously, don't drink!" My son was seriously mad at me saying things like, "You need to go to therapy. This is not the answer. I can't believe you are even thinking about drinking again." It was my daughter's reaction that hit me the hardest. Her reaction was, "ARE YOU F****ING KIDDING ME! MOM! So you are telling me that you are hoping for and glad that you might have diabetes SO YOU CAN DRINK! That is your addiction talking! If this doesn't prove you are addicted to alcohol, I don't know what does! Do you know how crazy that sounds! SHUT UP!! You are not drinking! That is just stupid!!!"

She is so right! How stupid was that? It absolutely was my addicted brain that just got this glimmer of hope. It was almost this primal, instinctual voice that came out of nowhere. Like it had been hiding - like I had kept in under a blanket for the last 9 months. Like a big wind gust came up and ripped the blanket away, suddenly exposing that dark, grinning, Cheshire cat, rubbing her hands together, saying, "Here we go! Let's do this! I think we can be happy again and drink! Hurry up, make the dr. appt. Maybe even drink right now since you will eventually anyway. You can have a glass of wine on the weekend again. You don't have to be socially isolated and not have any friends anymore! You can have fun and enjoy life again! You don't have to fight this anymore...you can just drink like a normal person! Thank goodness this sobriety is over."

Well...I don't have diabetes and I am not going to drink...but I do think I need to go back to group and therapy.

This is what I want my addiction to be: cute and controllable and happy

       



This is really my addiction just laying in waiting to pounce and control me: angry and consuming


  

This is what it promises me



This is what I get