As shallow as it sounds, I do feel that a lot of my insecurity with getting older is with my appearance. In my 20s and 30s I was always super confident in the way I looked. I worked out a lot and was pretty proud of my appearance...maybe even a little conceited to be honest. I was in better shape than all of my friends. In my 40s, I started to notice myself getting older - age spot from tanning for many years, wrinkles around my lips, parenthesis around my mouth, gray hairs becoming too numerous to pick out....drinking was also becoming more and more important in my life which lead to me becoming out of shape and flabby. I wasn't working out and eating way too much sugar and processed food, mostly bc all of my attention was going to the exhausting pursuit of trying to control my alcohol intake (and still is except now the work is staying sober). I refuse to buy "fat" clothes so everything is too tight. I constantly feel uncomfortable unless I am schlepping around the house in yoga pants.
I am now the older woman standing in front of the mirror pulling the face up by the ears to see what I used to look like. I never thought this would be me. I somehow thought i would stay young, thin and vibrant forever. Getting old was for people who didn't care about how they looked and had just given up. Well, I have also given up it seems. It is depressing, really. I even noticed that people are treating me differently - I don't seem to get the same level of respect at work or in normal social conversations. What I have to say just doesn't seem as important. Fewer people notice when I walk into a room. Sometimes I wonder if I have now become that older teacher that I used to look at when I was in my 20s and 30s and wonder what they even had to offer. The woman that is old, irrelevant, out of shape, has given up on her appearance. I think I was guilty of a bit of secret old age shaming and now I am that person. Maybe that is why it is hard for me...karma. I just feel like don't matter as much anymore. It is a very subtle feeling and I am never really sure if I am imagining it bc of the insecurities I was developing bc of my issues around drinking or if it is real. I think I just have dealt with all of that "being uncomfortable in my own skin" feeling with drinking. Now I don't have the drinking to hide behind and make me feel better...more likable, more fun, younger, more important, prettier, thinner, to help me forget about all my insecurities. Even though I know that drinking made all of that worse in the long run, it did help me feel better in the moment.
Jeez...that sounded like a ridiculous, self obsessed pity party...which no one in my world ever sees, but it does feel good to get it out.
I am really an incredibly blessed woman with a great job and an incredible family...so why do I feel so depressed about getting older and what do I do about it that doesn't involve a mind altering drug?????
Well, hard to say whether you are right or wrong without seeing a photo.
ReplyDeleteI hear what you are saying but you need to quit eating to be thin (not literally - if you can read you know what I mean - this ain't
ReplyDeleterocket science) Based in your last post, you need to lose at least 20 pounds: 5'3"=115 at the most. Get Dysport, Sculptra, and Restylane injected into your face. It will look younger. This is all on the internet girl - Stop whining. You ARE old -- me too, but I'm not whining and bitching and crying. Save $1500 and you can make some major improvements
They have moved on?
ReplyDeleteGetting older is hard. Partly because of all the messages we get from media, and even other people. As I turned 65, however, I found myself bring more content with being older.
ReplyDeleteDress well, even if you are not at the weight you want.
It really does help!
xo
Wendy
Anyone else have problems with negative/advertisement posts?
ReplyDeleteHaha--re: your troll(s). Yikes. Pretty scary for the above commenter(s) if anonymity brings out their true personalities. LOL. Ugly is as ugly does!
ReplyDeleteI don't know that I have any great advice about aging--that's just life, sister. The other alternative is dying young, so...? I don't love the wrinkles etc... but dwelling on things I can't really do much about seems so fruitless. I would however, suggest that you buy some clothes that fit you well and are comfortable.
Shame isn't a good motivator for positive change, and it sounds like you're in a bit of a shame-spiral with your weight. I think if you feel and look better with even just a few new pieces of clothing it will be easier to love yourself enough to get to the gym/yoga and to feed yourself with healthier foods. And if you never get to the fitness level you used to be...it's not the end of the world. You're loved and you're valuable just the way you are.
And about the teacher social hours: I think it's very smart to avoid those if you think you'll be at all tempted to drink. If you get to a place, however, when you're only avoiding them because of what others will think of you...well that's a crappy place to live. I spent way way way too much of my life tip-toeing around trying to meet everyone else's expectations and it sucks. Why would your coworkers even care if you don't drink? Just order a soda and if anyone says, don't you want wine (or whatever) just say no thanks. If someone presses the point, just tell them that alcohol doesn't agree with you. I would be shocked if they cared at all. Honestly, one thing getting older has taught me is that nobody really paying all that much attention to what I do (or what I wear) so, why am I so worried about it anyway? LOL!
I think you're doing so great, Ksus.
xoxo
Lulu
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