12/27/18 - almost 7 Months

I made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas. Now I just need to get through New Year's, a little vacation 1/3-1/8 and my birthday mid Jan. 

I am actually doing pretty well.

The positives:

• No hangovers!
• I can say no to things without worrying people think it is bc I am hungover.
• My sister says that I seem calmer and less frantic in general
• My sister will no longer drink in my house, even though I say I don't mind. She says it is disrespectful. She also did not drink on Thanksgiving or Christmas.
• I am much more flexible with my plans. When I was drinking - if it wasn't perfect, it was ruined. I am much more OK with things not being perfect. For example, we hardly put up any outside lights and got a tree on 12/23 (it is usually up the day after Thanksgiving and perfect). It has barely any ornaments bc I didn't want to drag it all out of the crawl space, and you know what...who cares! I was busy doing other more important things - hanging out with my dd who is visiting and my ds who is home from college. We took hikes, got massages and did some shopping....much more rewarding than worrying about a tree.
• I had a very intense, emotional conversation with my dd Christmas night after everyone had gone home. She is having a hard time living so far away from us. I was able to completely focus on her and support her without making it about me - which I would have done had I been drinking all day. She said that had I been drinking all day, like in the past, she probably wouldn't have even opened up to me about it. 
• My daughter says that I am much calmer - more even keel. She said that I used to have pretty severe mood swings and that now, even if I am exhausted and grumpy or excited and happy, it is less dramatic and I am much more pleasant to be around.
• On Christmas Eve, instead of sitting around drinking with the other adults who were drinking, I played "blackout hide and seek with my adult kids and two nephews.  It was so fun and they kept begging me to keep playing. It was super validating!
• When my nephew is hassling my sister about drinking - I know he isn't thinking the same thing about me. I am able to be a positive role model for them.
• I was able to tell a drinking buddy from work that I haven;t drank in 6 months. She asked why. I just said that I am unable to process alcohol anymore and the hangovers aren't worth it.
• I am way less reactionary, sensitive and judgmental. I feel more observant, accepting, thoughtful and aware of my own thoughts and behavior.
• I have lost 15 pounds - even while eating crappy and not working out.

The things I am still struggling with:

• When my new friends from my new school want to go out and have drinks after work on a Friday afternoon. Sometimes I come home and cry. I suppose part of it is that I want to drink, but it is also bc I miss the camaraderie and friendships formed after work having some drinks. I also didn't go to the work Christmas party or any of the women's get together. I am not sure if it bc I will be uncomfortable not being able to drink or it is bc I don't want to answer questions about why I don't.
• I miss the excitement that I used to feel for Thanksgiving, Christmas, a weekend, a work party, having friends over..anything that involved drinking. I know that most of that excitement was tied to being able to drink, but now everything just kind of feels blah.
• Figuring out who I am, how to deal with getting older, what my purpose is, what value I hold, and how to deal with everything not being about me. I used to be the young, pretty, fit, fun, life of the party. I am struggling not to become the frumpy, grumpy, out of shape, not fun, boring, non relevant old lady. I used to use alcohol to connect with people, to make them like me, to gain attention, to feel relevant and important. Trying to figure out my importance in this world without alcohol. What is my value at 50 years old?

Goals for the new year:

• Finally start working on my fitness/health...working out, eating healthy, doing yoga and meditation. I think if I could be proud of my fitness (mentally and physically) level, I would feel more positive and maybe a little less exhausted. I think it would really improve how I feel about myself.  I have been telling myself for years that I would do this and I keep breaking my commitment to myself.  I am going to really work on this. It isn't that I am old and fat...I am 50, 5'3" and weigh 135 pounds, but I am not fit. I eat crappy, none of my clothes fit properly bc of a high body fat %, and am exhausted all the time.
• Try to figure out how to still be social without alcohol. I need friends and to feel like I "fit in". I just need to do it a couple times without drinking. It might be uncomfortable, but it might not be. I may still have fun, connect with people and realize that they really don't care it I am drinking or not. I won't know unless I conquer the fear and try. Hiding in my house all the time isn't doing my mental state any favors.
• Stop watching stupid reality TV and start reading. It doesn't matter if it is self help books or stupid fiction novels, I need to stop checking out of my life with TV. I used to do this constantly while hungover, but now I need to start actively participating in my own life.

Here's to an alcohol free, productive, relaxing, positive 2019!