9/3/18 - Could you have one glass of wine right now and be fine?

My sister (the one I always break my sobriety with...the one I love to drink wine with...the one who has never told me no when I have said I wanted to drink..the one who always questions if I am really that bad and if I will ever be able to drink again...the one who makes comments about how I am not drinking....again) invited us over for dinner last night. No one drank! It was awesome. Really the only other one who would have been drinking is her and I think she had already partied with some friends on Friday, so maybe she just wasn't feeling like it. I didn't get the impression it was because of me.

We were sitting on her back deck just chatting for a long time. Her husband joined us and asked me, "Do you miss drinking?" Well, that is a very complicated question that took a minute to answer... probably too long but I feel like the more they understand, the more they will support me. This was my response:

Sometimes, yes, I do miss it.  I have been thinking about what I really miss about it. Do I miss the low lows that come after drinking that lasts for days...NO!  Do I miss feeling buzzed, feeling kind of hyper and happy yet relaxed without any anxiety...sometimes but really not so much. I really don't think I miss the feeling of actually being buzzed. I would much rather sit here completely in the moment and present not trying to dominate the conversation and really not listening to anything. In fact, I have to say (directed toward my sister) I am really glad this evening turned out the way it did. You are really hard for me because we have always drank wine together and I have always enjoyed that. It has been difficult to be around you lately bc it triggers me to want to drink. The more we do this (get together without drinking) the easier it will be for me. She said, "I agree."

I continued...I think the really hard thing for me is missing the anticipation of drinking. Getting excited for the weekend and parties and get togethers and events.  I have a hard time feeling excited for things and many times don't even want to do them. I would just rather sit on my couch watch tv and go to bed bc it doesn't seem like it would be fun without alcohol. I know it could be, but I just don't want to deal with it. I also know that I can't isolate and the more sober experiences I have, the easier it will get. It just takes a lot of talking myself into even leaving my house. Once I do,  I end up being glad I did, but it is hard when nothing sounds fun anymore. I hope, with time, this gets better.

He doesn't drink very often and usually has no desire so he really doesn't understand. He asked, "So, are you saying you can never have another drink again? Are you like my uncle that if he drank a beer right now, he would be a drunk for days? Could you have one glass of wine right now and be fine?"

My response...Yes, I could have one glass of wine right now and not go off the deep end bingeing for days. But would I be fine? No. My obsession would start back up, my compulsive behavior with alcohol would be triggered, my alcohol induced bipolar behavior would start back up, my anxiety would increase, my insomnia would increase, my depression would increase, my heart palpitations and hot flashes would start back up, my oversensitive feeling would come back. And (after 10 years of keeping track) I know it would just be a matter of months before I was binge drinking again on the weekends, suffering from debilitating hangovers and just back in a very dark place. That one glass of wine right now isn't worth it. Alcohol is just not good for me.

Then, amazing things happened. My son chimed in. He said, "She is right. My sister and I have seen that cycle over and over and over for years. She is right. It will happen again." My husband said, "She is just happier when she isn't drinking." And my sister (who has never really understood it) said, "It is just better for her if she doesn't drink at all."

I left there house actually feeling understood. It was an amazing evening that would have never happened if I would have had that one glass of wine.

85 Days Sober