8/18/18 - Relapse behavior

Well....I have been soooo busy the last couple of weeks. I went back to school. I got a new job in a middle school teaching math. I haven't switched schools for 15+ years so it has been a little stressful getting to know the new building and people. They have already gone out twice for happy hour. I have avoided both times giving some stupid excuse.  I have come home exhausted every night. I know I am not taking care of myself bc I am not working out, not going to appointments (I cancelled my therapist appt last night), not blogging, not reading, not meditating, not doing yoga, not eating well, not sleeping well, not even walking my dogs. Last night I really wanted to just sit down, after an exhausting week, and have a beer.  I didn't (and haven't for 69 days) but it was definitely on my mind. 

I learned from my IOP over the summer that need to recognize all of this behavior as a possible sign of relapse and be proactive to get in a better place. In the past, I start sliding down this slope of stress (at work), exhaustion (at home) and not taking care of myself only to keep sliding and eventually drinking to feel better. I need to recognize this and start doing things (as hard as it may be) to take care of myself so that I can be strong and self confident when a true "panic attack craving" comes. I feel it starting to toy with my mind. I am fooling myself if I think it won't happen this time - that this time is any different than the last 25 times I have tried to quit - that this time I am cured.

If I want different, I have to do different not just try to think different. So....I am updating my blog, I am going to get off my butt, get some stuff done today, but also take some time to just sit in the sun or do yoga or get a massage or something that helps fill my wellness tank a bit.

I have tried changing by changing my thoughts or emotions but it doesn't last. I need to change my behavior....I need to take care of myself.