Monday, November 28, 2016
11/28/16 (Mon) 15 Years of Trying
As usual, when I come back to my blog after having my drinking has slowly escalating and then turning into a hellacious hangover, I go back and look at old posts. I have been actively battling alcohol and blogging about it for 5 1/2 years and I know I was trying to moderate for at least 10 years before I stated this blog (drinking for over 30 years but din't see a problem before 15 years ago). So I have been trying to have control over alcohol for around 15 years now. I am talking 15 years of obsessively thinking about drinking (am I? am I not? can I? can't I? should I stop? can I moderate?). That is a long time.
I am so tired...there has to be something better than living the high highs and the low lows that comes with drinking. I just don't seem to be able to give up the high highs even though the low lows have just become impossible to deal with. It isn't really even all about the terrible hangovers and wasted days that I suffer at the hands of wanting the high highs. It is also the numbness, sadness, lack of motivation, irritability, anxiety, insecurity that comes with the all the times between the high highs and the low lows. Just my day to day life has become uninspired, a kind of what's the point, monotonous, lackluster, blah, just going through the motions kind of existence. Unless it is Thursday, Friday or Saturday (when I look forward to drinking) I just really have a hard time enjoying anything in life anymore.
It's almost like I live in this fog of existence. I just don't look too closely at anything...my dirty house, my lack of working out, my laundry that needs to be done, my poor eating habits, my grumpiness towards other people, my insecurities about everything. I just kind of go through my day uninspired, just trying to get through it so I can go to bed. Unless I am looking forward to drinking, actually drinking or suffering a hangover, this is how I feel most of this time.
I have also found that I have a new reason for drinking - to just numb out even more. Sometimes when I drink on the weekends, it isn't to have fun, party, socialize. Sometimes it is just to sit on my couch, by myself, drinking, watching tv and numb out.
There has to be a better way to live...