As usual, when I come back to my blog after having my drinking has slowly escalating and then turning into a hellacious hangover, I go back and look at old posts. I have been actively battling alcohol and blogging about it for 5 1/2 years and I know I was trying to moderate for at least 10 years before I stated this blog (drinking for over 30 years but din't see a problem before 15 years ago). So I have been trying to have control over alcohol for around 15 years now. I am talking 15 years of obsessively thinking about drinking (am I? am I not? can I? can't I? should I stop? can I moderate?). That is a long time.
I am so tired...there has to be something better than living the high highs and the low lows that comes with drinking. I just don't seem to be able to give up the high highs even though the low lows have just become impossible to deal with. It isn't really even all about the terrible hangovers and wasted days that I suffer at the hands of wanting the high highs. It is also the numbness, sadness, lack of motivation, irritability, anxiety, insecurity that comes with the all the times between the high highs and the low lows. Just my day to day life has become uninspired, a kind of what's the point, monotonous, lackluster, blah, just going through the motions kind of existence. Unless it is Thursday, Friday or Saturday (when I look forward to drinking) I just really have a hard time enjoying anything in life anymore.
It's almost like I live in this fog of existence. I just don't look too closely at anything...my dirty house, my lack of working out, my laundry that needs to be done, my poor eating habits, my grumpiness towards other people, my insecurities about everything. I just kind of go through my day uninspired, just trying to get through it so I can go to bed. Unless I am looking forward to drinking, actually drinking or suffering a hangover, this is how I feel most of this time.
I have also found that I have a new reason for drinking - to just numb out even more. Sometimes when I drink on the weekends, it isn't to have fun, party, socialize. Sometimes it is just to sit on my couch, by myself, drinking, watching tv and numb out.
There has to be a better way to live...
I am so sorry you are struggling.
ReplyDeleteI remember well sitting on my own couch wondering how my life ended up like that. Sad. Numb. Pretty from the outside, but very bleak and dim on the inside...
I can only say that my personal experience is that putting down the booze opened my eyes and many doors. The possibilities appeared. Life became more fun. I became less lonely and hard done by.
The same life I had before became beautiful.
Today is a perfect day to let go of the idea that the high highs are giving you anything. They aren't. That is the sneakiness of addiction.
Surrender. Stop asking questions. Just don't drink today. And keep doing that day after day and see what happens.
Heading into December is a perfect time to quit. December 1 is my 3 years sober anniversary. I just couldn't handle the thought of drinking through another holiday.
And it was scary, and hard and emotional and brittle, but I came out stronger and with faith in myself that I could and did put myself and my needs first.
You can do this. I'm here cheering you on.
Hugs
Anne
Ditto what Anne says. Alcohol is a depressant (duh - you knew that), but I found the more I drank, the more depressed I got. It's hard to give up, even harder to stay sober. I too know that futile feeling of what's the point, this is my lot in life... But it does get better with time. And I just got so tired of fighting it....Best wishes.
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