This picture is how I feel today. Gloomy, depressed, anxious, tired, sad.
I did not drink too much this weekend. 4 on Friday...4 on Saturday....and 2 on Sunday. I did not get drunk or crazy...I did not have a hangover....I got a lot done....but yet I had terrible anxiety and insomnia last night...I think I maybe only got 3 hours of sleep. I just tossed and turned worrying about everything I could possible worry about...even things that don't usually bother me.
Here is what I notice about me (good and bad when I am moderately drinking on the weekend compared to when I am not.
The moderately drinking me:
happy for the weekend
want to be around my friends
look forward to vacations, activities, events
am really sick of people
don't care what other think of me but at the same time have anxiety about it
The not drinking me:
I don't know why it has to come down to enjoying my weekends at the expense of feeling depressed/anxious the rest of the week or being in a better place overall but having crappy weekends.
I do know that when I am not drinking at all, I will go to bed and wake up with a smile on my face probably 80% of the time. When I am drinking on the weekends, that never happens. I do get a smile on my face later in the day when it is almost time to drink but usually I wake up the a frowny, furrowed brow, grumpy face.
I wonder if maybe the 10 drinks I had this weekend were just too much for me, that I have to be really careful about the amount I consume. Maybe that is enough to make me grumpy, depressed and anxious.
I do know that I told myself that I was only going to use alcohol in social situation where I just felt extremely awkward not to be drinking. I don't want to have to avoid these thing and isolate myself, which is what always causes me to give up my abstinence goals.