This picture is how I feel today. Gloomy, depressed, anxious, tired, sad.
I did not drink too much this weekend. 4 on Friday...4 on Saturday....and 2 on Sunday. I did not get drunk or crazy...I did not have a hangover....I got a lot done....but yet I had terrible anxiety and insomnia last night...I think I maybe only got 3 hours of sleep. I just tossed and turned worrying about everything I could possible worry about...even things that don't usually bother me.
Here is what I notice about me (good and bad when I am moderately drinking on the weekend compared to when I am not.
The moderately drinking me:
Positive (weekends)
happy for the weekend
want to be around my friends
look forward to vacations, activities, events
social
extroverted
positive
Negative (weekdays)
overly sensitive
anxious
depressed
isolated
tired
insecure
grumpy
irritable
am really sick of people
don't care what other think of me but at the same time have anxiety about it
The not drinking me:
Positive (weekdays)
calm
happy
relaxed
social
positive
Negative (weekends)
anxious
depressed
isolated
insecure
grumpy
irritable
sad
mad
I don't know why it has to come down to enjoying my weekends at the expense of feeling depressed/anxious the rest of the week or being in a better place overall but having crappy weekends.
I do know that when I am not drinking at all, I will go to bed and wake up with a smile on my face probably 80% of the time. When I am drinking on the weekends, that never happens. I do get a smile on my face later in the day when it is almost time to drink but usually I wake up the a frowny, furrowed brow, grumpy face.
I wonder if maybe the 10 drinks I had this weekend were just too much for me, that I have to be really careful about the amount I consume. Maybe that is enough to make me grumpy, depressed and anxious.
I do know that I told myself that I was only going to use alcohol in social situation where I just felt extremely awkward not to be drinking. I don't want to have to avoid these thing and isolate myself, which is what always causes me to give up my abstinence goals.
I did not hold true to that promise this weekend. While I did not get crazy or drink too much I did drink yesterday by myself. I just felt like having a beer while putting away groceries and then finishing that last glass of wine with dinner. I found myself choosing high alcohol beer and wine instead of light beer so I could drink less - kind of that chasing the buzz thing. I found myself really wishing there was more wine left or wondering if anyone would notice if I went and got one more beer - kind of a craving type of thing. My dh was not not drinking and while I wasn't really hiding it or sneaking, I was hoping that he (or my ds) would notice. I think that somewhere inside I realized I wasn't keeping my promises to myself and I didn't care.
I am not ready to give up drinkin entirely. I need to go into next weekend with a plan. It is simply not enough anymore to simply say that if I don't have a hongover, then I had a good weekend. I need to keep the amount I consume down so that I don't get anxious and depressed. I truly believe that drinking (even moderately on the weekends) causes my body to have anxiety with leads to me feeling really crappy. I used to think it was all in my head - that I just obsessed too much, but I now know that I have physical response to consuming alcohol that last far beyond just having a hangover the next day.
It sounds like you might be onto something. Before I quit drinking (224 days ago, to be exact), I was drinking about the same amount you describe here. No one would have ever thought the amount I drank was even a problem, but I knew it was getting to a point where I had to address it. I was drinking 3 to 5 drinks on weekend nights, and about 2 or 3 most week nights, too. I have cut back a few times to weekend drinking only, but if I think about it, I never experienced the relief from those negative anxious feelings until I stopped completely. I think there are people who are more sensitive to the depressant effects of alcohol, and I'm one of them. I didn't figure that out until I quit, though. I still get anxious sometimes, but much less often, and there's usually a cause I can pinpoint, unlike before. I used to have this low-level anxiety all the time, and as I hit my mid 40s, I felt like it got worse. Of course I didn't realize that I was actually perpetuating the cycle of anxiety and self-medication by drinking. I was not ready to give up drinking entirely, either, but I'm so glad I did. It's a big thing to wrap your head around, but you'll never regret it.
ReplyDeleteI think one has just to take care of herself and other until it gets too late. If a pregnant woman drinks it's really bad, but however I'm blaming father too. If you want to give up, it would be better for all your friends and your family too. From time to time I learn that giving up alcohol is really easy if you want to do it and if you have a good procedure to folloe. I was used to be addicted to alcohol, and now I rediscovered my old passions and interests, and I'm not interested anymore in alcohol. I'm no playing guitar bass again, reading a lot, writing too as an author about giving up alcohol. You can check my articles at mind-globe.com.
DeleteThis thought process is one of the things that I don't miss and what ultimately made me give it up entirely. It's just so exhausting! Just the thinking and planning and worrying. It was just too much for me.
ReplyDeleteI wish you the best of luck with this. I hope you find your middle ground and some peace.
Sherry
I hope you find some peace.
ReplyDeleteMy experienxe is the only solution is to forgo alcohol. It has opened so many possibilities and joys for me. I can't think of a single negative, once I got past the fear of sobriety.
Anne