One year later

so after everything I posted yesterday....I drank last night...I wanted to have a HO free Christmas day...and it is not!  i don't know what is wrong with me!  I just can't seem to say no when it is offered...no matter how convinced I was that morning that I wasn't going to drink.  I want soooooooo badly to be able to say, "I have been sober since Christmas day 2011."  But I just know I will fail...i always fail...i am tired of failing...

This is what I posted on 12/25/2011.  One year ago I was broken, defeated, depressed, anxious, and so sick of it all.  I could not imagine living life without alcohol, but I just couldn't seem to live happily with it.  

This year, today, 12/29/2012, I am 150 days sober and I feel great!  My last post was about not being able to feel the joy of not drinking. I think I have jumped that hurdle for now.  Just like when I quit smoking, it is all about a bunch of firsts. First start of school, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, stressful days, sunny Fridays, neighborhood parties, saying no thank you, ordering club soda in many of my favorite restaurants to drink at, Christmas shopping, dealing with family, all without alcohol. This 150 days haven't been a piece of cake, I have been tempted on more than one occasion, but I am so glad I didn't give in.  I am finally starting to see that it is possible - I can enjoy my weekends, my friends, my life without alcohol. As a matter of fact I am more patient, kind, giving, unselfish, calm, peaceful, settled, organized and focussed than I ever was while drinking.

One night when I really wanted a beer at a restaurant that has amazing beer and was always a reason to drink, I actually asked my ds (15yo)  if he would be mad at me if I drank, if he would be dissappointed in me.  He, being the wise soul that he is, said, "It isn't about me and what I think, Mom. How are you going to feel about yourself?"  I was this close to having a beer and then the voice of reason came through loud and clear.  Please let it always be there.