Ok, so it has been awhile since I have posted. I have been doing really well until a couple of days ago. I have not drank in 82 days. I have felt pretty good....really busy (conferences, report cards, kids' sports, husband's surgery) which helps, actually. I really haven't had any cravings. I have been glad to be done with the constant battle in my head, just living my hectic life without hangovers.
Last time (Jan-Mar 2012) I absed this long, I made it to around 82 days and then decided I wanted to try to drink moderately again, which led to a disastrous summer. Disastrous for me means binge drinking on the weekend at least 4 times a month, but it also involves the self-hatred, hangovers, depression, anxiety, etc...
Now that I am about that same number of days - I am starting to have thoughts and triggers again - dreams about alcohol in which I give in, driving past one of my favorite restaurants on a Saturday night and having thoughts about never being able to have a glass of wine with dinner, neighbor's trying to get me to try their flavored vodka (I pretended to taste it and then dumped it out), neighborhood chili cook offs and not even wanting to go bc it doesn't sound fun without a beer to cool down all the hot flavors in my mouth, someone talking about going to a bar for a couple of drinks and wishing I could go with her.......it hasn't been an easy weekend.
The worst part is - I am just so damn tired all the time!!! I am sick of it. I got 10 hours of sleep both Friday and Saturday night and I still can't pull myself out of bed. I am falling asleep on the couch at 9:00 on a Saturday. I just thought I would feel better by now. I want to hop out of bed at 6:00 ready to start my day - something I couldn't do with a hangover. I am getting a little pissed off that I am not feeling "fantastic" like everyone who quit feels.
I was reading that alcohol "artificially" raises your dopamine levels in you brain over and over and over and that your body produces another hormone to bring those levels down. I have been "artificially" getting my good mood feeling on the weekends for the past 20 years. During the week I just felt happier and happier as I got closer to the weekend. Then, ironically, as you get your good mood on through a drug, you also sink deeper into depression (masked by the buzz) because ALCOHOL IS A ULTIMATELY A DEPRESSANT!!! What a sneaky SOB!
I am sure my brain is just having a hard time getting the hormone levels back in check. I am sure that I trained my brain to need alcohol to feel happy for all of those years. Since I am feeling this way again at about the 80 day mark and knowing that this is when I "tried" again last time makes me wonder if it is another one of those fork in the road moments. The time when my addiction tells me that I am OK, that I am not that bad, that I am just making a big deal, that it is my latest obsession, that I said until Halloween and I have almost done that - time for a reward, that even though life is better in some ways like this (I don't miss the extreme lows that come with the hangovers) - but I do miss the intense great, happy feelings that come with weekend parting. I miss looking forward to getting together with my friends after a long week and having fun. Yes, I could have fun doing other things but I am just too tired to put in the effort - I just go to bed. Having a couple beers didn't take much effort - it was just easy. I get all of that and knowing it helps, but here is my question-----
How long did it take for all of you long time absers for your body to reset itself and have more energy? I now everyone is different, but I just want to know if I am expecting too much too soon...
It's not just the hormones...EVERYTHING gets screwed up when you drink. I felt like you are feeling and I had a lot of pain in my legs and feet. Turns out I was dangerously low on Vitamin D and needed some B Complex as well. After that, I felt better almost immediately.
ReplyDeleteI also slept a lot in the first three or four months. I just attributed to the fact that I hadn't slept well in 20 years so I deserved it!
Finally, something happens at about 3 or 4 months and I don't understand it. That's about the time that damned addiction starts its trickery and I started to believe I could be "normal"...of course, that was not the case.
Go easy on yourself. You're healing right now. You can sooooo do this!
Sherry
Great post - sorry you are feeling crappy too! I am day 12 sober (which, by the way seems like a lifetime already) and am asking the same question - when do I feel good again? I am more tired than when I was drinking and the birds still aren't chirping in the morning for me.
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