January 1, 2020

I am 570 days or 18 months three weeks or a little over 1 1/2 years sober....and my daughter got married 3 days ago. 

If you would have told me 2 years ago that I would be able to get through the incredibly stressful planning and the very emotional day of her wedding without alcohol - I would have not believed you. 

If you would have told me 2 years ago that I would be able to have hosted multiple dinners including a New Year's Eve party for many out of town guests without drinking - I wouldn't have believed you.

If you would have told me 2 years ago that I would not even crave alcohol when faced with social situations -  I would have believed you.

But all of that is true. My dream for myself to live a happy (for the most part) sober life has come true. 

For the first year of sobriety, I really missed the high highs that come with drinking. The only thing that kept me going was the loss of the low lows. I can honestly say that I really don't miss the alcohol-fueled high highs anymore either. First of all, I am learning that I can have those crazy, hyper, fun-filled nights without alcohol. I thought that was only possible with alcohol, but I am finding that fun, social, person again. I do not have the anticipation high that I used to have before drinking which makes it a little harder to actually get out and do anything social. But, once I do get together with people, I have a good time and am glad I went. 

I am so grateful for my sober life. I am so grateful that I could enjoy the beautiful wedding of my daughter fully present. She was amazing, we love her husband and his family and it was such an amazing day for her. It was everything she wanted which is everything I wanted for her. A little bit of drama came up a couple of times and I was able to not engage, let it go and put my daughter first. I will cherish that day forever with no regrets and be forever grateful I was sober and fully present.

I am also working on mending an estranged relationship with one of my sisters and working on having a better relationship with my mother. It is so much easier to navigate extremely emotional, difficult situations when sober. I feel calmer, more rational and honesty more able to see the part I play in all of it.  

I think my addiction to alcohol made me a bit of a narcissist. I really did think that I was always right and it was my mission was to make everyone else agree with that or at least see where I was coming from. That is an incredibly selfish way to look at life. I couldn't even see it, because I really was/am a good person, I just had a hard time understanding why everyone couldn't see my point of view and when they didn't, I took it personally. I was worried people would think I was selfish or being a bad person or question my motivation.

After a year and a half sober, I am just trying to make decisions, deal with situations and speak with integrity. As long as I am OK with how I handle something, it doesn't matter what anyone else believes. Everyone sees things differently...not everyone has the same perspective on life as me and it is not my job to make them see things my way. As long as I am a good person and I do what I think is right, they have the right to believe what they want. If they truly care about me, they will seek to understand me. If not, that is ok. 

Also, things that people say that hurt my feeling may not have anything to do with me. They might be having a bad day or may not even mean it in the way I took it. I need to not take things so personally (and maybe read The Four Agreements book again -lol).

I am by no means done working on this, in fact, it is one of my goals for this year. I am learning that I am incredibly sensitive and get my feeling hurt easily. It is not because I have an alcohol problem, or because I have a hangover...it is truly who I am...and that is ok. What isn't ok is that sometimes I need to try harder to see things from another person's perspective and seek to understand them. 

For example, the day after my daughter's wedding, my house was a disaster from all the wedding stuff being dumped the night before. I was also hosting, again, all of his family for New Year's Eve (which I was happy to do). She had stayed overnight where she got married and she went to see his family before she got home which I had no problem with. She didn't get home until 3:30 and I really got my feeling hurt. I felt like she (or her husband) didn't even consider the fact that I had a mess of a house and that I needed to go to the store and cook for the evening. I thought she would say, "We need to go help my mom." They spent so much time visiting with his family and didn't even consider how much I had to do. I decided when she got home I wouldn't be passive-aggressive about it, I would just tell her how I felt. Which I have to say is scary and hard for me.  I expected her to say, "Oh my gosh mom, I am so so sorry." Instead, she got defensive and told me that she really didn't; know that the house was a mess and that she was getting home in time to help me get ready for the party. I had a really hard time with that response. I think have a harder time dealing with someone's response to how I feel if it is not what I want to hear than I have with the reason I was upset, to begin with. I just so desperately need validation for how I feel. Why can't she see where I am coming from? Then I go to this place of even feeling guilty I said anything. Maybe I shouldn't have been upset. Maybe I am just being dramatic?  Now they aren't even going to want to hang out at my house with this emotional woman. Great! Now they aren't ever going to move closer, because they would have to deal with me. This thought pattern is absolutely ridiculous but it happens. I am getting better with this when it comes to everyone except my children.  I so desperately want them to think I am a good, kind, caring person that I have a hard time expressing my feeling when I am upset with them. 

I have to work on not needing my feeling to be validated/make people understand my perspective and be more confident in their love for me and know that no matter how I feel or what I say or if I get upset, that isn't going to change. They are going to love me and want me around even if I express my opinion or make them mad or are being honest with how I feel. Even if they don't agree with why I am upset and may think I am being ridiculous, it is not going to hurt the core of our relationship or change the way they feel about me. I am terrified I will push them away. Maybe all of this stems from the natural difficulties of kids growing up and feeling the loss of not being the most important thing in their lives anymore. I imagine I am not the only one to go through this. It is really hard and one of my goals it to work on this.

My goals for this year are:

1.  Be more confident in my relationships and trust that they are solid no matter what I say or how I feel. I have a right to feel the way I do and express those feelings and doing so will not push my children away. They love me no matter what. 

2.  Be better at self-care - work out, do yoga, meditate, eat well, stay hydrated, get enough sleep and just calm the f**k down. I swear to God I have a manic side to me that has nothing to do with alcohol. I get so wrapped up in something I am doing - remodeling my house, working on school work, planning a wedding, analyzing which vacuum to buy that I don't do anything else. I don't work out, don't go to bed, don't eat well. I think it might be a bit of OCD coupled with manic behavior. It has become such a habit that I am really uncomfortable with any downtime. I actually start to feel depressed when I don't have anything to obsess about, but yet being so consumed with something is exhausting and gives me so much anxiety that I don't sleep well and get emotional and overly sensitive. I thought this was all caused by alcohol. Apparently not. 

3.  Be better at getting to social engagements that I am invited to. It is so easy to just not go, but then I think I get lonely. Once I get there I always have a good time. I just need to do better about getting there.

So.. life is not always rainbows and unicorns without alcohol. Being sober has not cured me of all of my personal difficulties but it has given me the space to be able to work on them. 
One thing I am no longer consumed/obsessed with is thinking about alcohol and I am grateful for that every day. The mental real estate that has been freed up is allowing me to work on other areas that need attention.

I am in a more stable emotional/mental place than I was 2 years ago. I feel so much better and am better equipped to deal with whatever comes along in a calm, patient, rational way..at least more of the time. I am gaining confidence in how I feel, being able to express it and not needing so much validation. I am getting better at seeing the whole picture and how someone else may be feeling. 

I am incredibly grateful for my sobriety and my family. 

2020 is going to be a great year full of self-growth and good times. 

If anyone has suggestions for good books in this area, please share.