Sunday, November 22, 2015

Doing better

Well..I have been away.  I always struggle posting when I have made a grand plan (this time not drinking for 100 days) and then I break that promise to myself.  I feel like a failure.

Here is where I'm at. I obviously did not do my 100 days.  I would have still been posting. But I also haven't gone off the rails either.

I honestly really do believe the naltrexone are helping me.  I am not drinking at all during the week, which hasn't really been much of a problem lately anyway.  My problem always comes with binge drinking on the weekends.  Here is what the naltrexone is doing for me.

On a Friday or Saturday or occasionally Sunday I do want a beer...badly. (I haven't had wine in over a month.  I had to break up with wine because it makes me crazy).  I take 1/4 of a pill one hour before I'm going to drink.  The actual planning and them delaying sometimes keeps me from drinking altogether.  During the hour I eat something and drink something non alcoholic. Sometimes my craving goes away on its own.  I would get in trouble when I would go out after school on a Friday afternoon and continue to drink into the night without even eating. Usually the craving doesn't go away and I do drink a beer after one hour.

When drinking on the pill, I feel different.  I little tired, maybe even a little irritable.  I certainly don't feel that hyped up/let's go do something/let's partaay/super social/can't get enough feeling that led to my binges.  After I finish the one, sometimes I don't even feel like another.  If I do have another, that is it and sometimes it is hard to finish that one.

It's hard to explain the difference.  In the past, when I would drink, alcohol made me happy, excited, hyper, fun loving, social so of course I wanted to prolong that feeling by drinking more.  I am not getting those same "happy" feelings while on the pill.  It's almost like it wasn't really the alcohol that was making me drink was the way I felt about how I was feeling that made me drink more which I realize was actually cause by the alcohol. I realize that probably made no sense or was obvious it's just hard to explain.

Something has shifted in the way I perceive alcohol. I almost look at it like alcohol used to be the enemy, but now I look at it like my feelings towards it and how I felt on it were the true enemy.  This sounds stupid because I realize alcohol was what was making me feel hyper/social/energetic/happy.

Now that I am not having those feelings while drinking, I don't really care to have more than one or two.  The craving is still there in the beginning, but once I take the pill and drink, the cravings don't continue.  I don't seem to be chasing the feelings alcohol gives me because it isn't giving that to me anymore.....does any of this ramblings make sense?????  I don't know....all I know is that I am doing better :)