Tuesday, May 19, 2015

The "why" matters - from Smart Recovery

I found this article on the Smart Recovery Website.  I can totally relate.  So much in fact that I could have written it myself.  I is nice to read about someone who hasn't completely ruined their life because of alcohol but is living a happier more productive life without it.


Saturday, May 16, 2015

Sunny Day/Family Drama

It is a beautiful, sunny day here today after weeks of rain.  We went out tin dinner last night with the whole family (parents, sister and their families). Everyone had drinks (it was 2 for one) and I am so glad I didn't drink last night for may reasons.

#1  Because I said I wouldn't

#2   Because I woke up this morning feeling better than last weekend

#3  Because we had some drama :(. One person in my family thinks that they can say whatever they want, whenever they want and to whoever they want.  He says everything in the disguise and joking around but it is quite mean. He is also very loud and domineering.  Most people just ignore him and are really too afraid to say anything back.  He also has this way of putting certain people in his "inner circle".  Even if you know he isn't saying nice things, you don't care if you are in the "circle".  It is all so stupid and high school and I can believe a bunch of 40 and 50 year olds are acting this way, but we are.  I was even in his "circle" for awhile until he started bad mouthing my husband.  I called him on it and he stopped.  Well, last night, my husband had had enough of it and said something to him. Now we have all this drama and both him and my sister say that my dh was out of line and that it was all harmless and in good fun.

I don't think making fun or people or putting them down is ever harmless.

If I would have been drinking last night, I KNOW I would have not remained calm through all of that.  I would have been having a full on anxiety attack and been right in the middle of it which would have undoubtedly made things worse.

I have been guilty, in the past month even, of drinking too much and then talking behind one sister's back to the other.  I have done it to both of them and I feel really bad about it.  Remember last winter when we went on a ski trip with them and I didn't drink? I was shocked at some of the mean stuff that comes out of people's mouths.  I have seen that in myself that last couple of months.  I have noticed that when I drink I am becoming more agitated, critical, loud and negative than I ever used to.  I used to be the fun, no drama, party girl.  I have turned into the finger wagging, fist pounding, yelling person (bitch!).  I do not like that side of myself.

All I can do is be the best person I can be to all of the people in my life.  I am going to read The Four Agreements again and maybe study some Buddhism about peace and love.  Any suggestions?

I do not for 100% fact that I cannot become that person when I drink - even moderately on the weekends.  Even when I drink moderately, I lose that sense of calm and peace inside of myself - maybe because even when successfully moderating I am still mentally obsessing.

Great insight

I am part of a group called mmabsers and I rely on the support I get from them.  Here are some of the brilliant gems of advice/input I recently rcceived when I asked the question about additction:

Kary - But I hung on to the myth of what drinking brought to my life. I dreamed of being one of those people that could enjoy alcohol without letting it ruin my life but I'd spent twenty years chasing that dream and my failure to achieve it was throwing a heavy cloak of failure over the rest of my life.

Lulu - Every day just make the decision that for THAT DAY you won't drink. Much less daunting than "never again" but accomplishes the same goal. :)

Patti - Drinking really does not hold a lot of rewards.It is a misperception. 

Em - I have had to remind myself that, as Kary said, it’s that myth, that habitual thinking of drinking as a reward, a way to celebrate, etc. when the reality is that it has wrecked our happiness and created anxiety and misery far more times than it has ‘helped’ us to feel good. 

Mike - So the answer to your "why" is quite simple .  We have crossed that line to mental obsession and it can only be rid of through owning that fact and wanting better, which is sobriety (abstinence which is joyful and free).  However this does not happen as an immediate gratification as does the with alcohol.  It requires a longer and enduring effort for this long and enduring peace.  

My interpretation - The happiness drinking brings is all short lived and not even really that true.  It is all just bullshit that I am convinced I need to be happy.  I have to accept that I can no longer drink like I once did. That I have crossed that line to physical dependence (maybe) and mental obsession (for sure) and I can't EVER go back to that way it was.  It is impossible to return to my former drinking self.  And that as much as it sucks (which the thought of that makes me so sad), I won't EVER be like normal drinkers no matter how hard I try.  And that the longer I try, the worse I get and run the risk of truly bad things happening (becoming seriously physically dependent). And that I need to stop obsessing about the long term and just focus on today.  This just seems all so humbling.  When I am moderating well I feel so good (smug) about that, and when I am absing successfully I feel a tiny bit smug about that...but in reality I think I am just a loser trying to pretend to be a winner.  I will never truly be a winner until I change my mindset and give it up for good MENTALLY. I don't think I can ever give it up physically until I give it up mentally.  

Wednesday, May 13, 2015


Why is the idea of enjoying life so difficult to comprehend without this stupid drug? I don't get it!  It just all seems so stupid! Does everyone with an addiction issue feel this way? It's not like I wake up in the morning with the shakes and physically have to have it or I feel physically sick.  It's more the long term thinking that kills me.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Some reading for later


This is an article on 12 concepts of recovery that have stood the test of time.  I don't have time to read it right now but I don't want to lose this article because it talks about some things I really need to work on such as mindfullness, pausing and engagement - three things that I have been lacking in my attempts for long term sobriety.

I feel a little better today but still not great.  I still have that "What did I did to my brain achy headache."

Monday, May 11, 2015

Mother's Day (weekend) disaster aka I hate you alcohol! And I am not fine! And I hate myself!

SO many promises I broke to myself this weekend.

Friday - drank one beer with dinner - told myself that morning I wasn't going to drink -
came home and drank 3 more glasses of wine by myself - no one was home - told myself that I wouldn't drink alone

Saturday - drank a beer before we went out - told myself I wouldn't pre drink anymore.
drank two more glasses of wine with dinner and went to see a movie.  Didn't drink any more but when the movies went out twice due to a snow storm, I was desperately wishing we had gone to the theatre that lets you drink.  I would have definitely gone and gotten 2 more drinks.  I was really craving more alcohol at that point even though both my kids were like, "How much has mom drank?" It wasn't that much but I felt pretty out of it.

Sunday - woke up promising myself that I wouldn't drink, that my Mother's Day gift to myself and my family was for me to be sober. My sister poured the first glass of wine around 2:00 and asked me if I wanted any.  I didn't even hesitate and ended up drinking more than an entire bottle over the next 6 hours.  I was emotional more then once in the middle of conversations and I know I was loud. Finally at 9:30 pm everyone had gone home and I was falling asleep (passing out) on the couch,  I saw out of the corner of my eye, my 16 yo son, make that pretend gesture of drinking to my husband as if to ask, "Has mom had too much to drink?"  I lost it.....I got up, went upstairs leaving my whole house in shambles, literally tore my clothes of slamming every piece of clothing to the floor ( I was soooo pissed at myself), put my jammies on and went to bed without brushing my teeth or washing my face.  And then I began to sob.  My son came in and felt bad because he thought I was crying because of what he had done.  All I could say was, "I am fine, honey. This has nothing to do with you. I love you."  I ended Mother's Day with my 16 yo dear son trying to comfort his drunk mother. Not what I had had in mind.  That's being a great mom! I wike up at 1:15 and never got back to sleep. This is going to be a great day.

I hate you alcohol!  And I am not fine! And I hate myself!

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Mindfulness vs past baggage

"Mindfulness is the opposite of trauma psychology, through which you see and define yourself in terms of your problems, hurt, or baggage. It instead means defining yourself in terms of your strengths and positive possibilities."

This quote is from 'Mindfulness in Addiction Recovery - Dr. Stanton Peele' -The SMART Recovery®



I really like what that says.  Sometimes is just seems like too much to handle to go back and deal with all the "hurt" that might be causing my drinking.  I just don't want to deal with all of that. I like the idea of just dealing with the here and now.  All I ever read is that if I don't deal with the past, I wan't stop drinking.  Maybe that isn't true. Maybe just dealing with the here and now is the answer because even thinking about dealing with the past makes want to drink (btw - my "past" does not include making amends for my drinking - it has to do with things I had to endure).

I also like this quote:


Sunday, May 3, 2015

Just hangover ramblings.....

I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can control it.  I don't know if it is worth it to keep trying.  I tell myself every weekend that I will do better the next weekend, that I will have more control, maybe not even drink at all. Then the weekend comes and I just can't seem to stop once I start.  Friday I had one beer and three glasses of wine - a little tired yesterday.  Last night I had 3 beers and 3 glasses of wine and I feel like hell today.  I know that this week will be filled with depression, anxiety and insomnia until about Thursday.  I am also becoming more sensitive, mouthy, judgmental, hyper, irritable, loud and grumpy again now that I went back to my weekend drinking.  Is the need to be accepted and fit in socially worth it - or am I just making excuses to drink because that is really what I want to do - drink - because I am addicted........

This all just sucks!  It sucks to drink and it sucks not to drink!