Sunday, April 26, 2015

Hangover - staying accountable to myself

I really did not want to post this but I am going to just because if I ever decide to completely give up drinking again it is helpful for me to go back and look for patterns.

Friday I had 2 and 1/2 beers.  I just got home from work and opened one up at 4:00.  I wasn't at a party. I wasn't in an uncomfortable social situation.  I just wanted a beer.  Then I had another one. And then I opened a third.  I drank a little bit of it, decided I didn't want it and dumped it out.

Last night we went to my sister's and we drank two bottles of wine. We were both really loud and negative.  Nothing bad happened. No one is upset this morning. I just don't like that version of me. When I wasn't drinking, I would notice how loud people got when they drank.  It was really annoying. I think I was annoying last night.

I have a hangover today.

Monday, April 20, 2015

feeling anxious and depressed (without a hangover) but still because of alcohol



This picture is how I feel today. Gloomy, depressed, anxious, tired, sad.

I did not drink too much this weekend.  4 on Friday...4 on Saturday....and 2 on Sunday.  I did not get drunk or crazy...I did not have a hangover....I got a lot done....but yet I had terrible anxiety and insomnia last night...I think I maybe only got 3 hours of sleep. I just tossed and turned worrying about everything I could possible worry about...even things that don't usually bother me.

Here is what I notice about me (good and bad when I am moderately drinking on the weekend compared to when I am not.

The moderately drinking me:

Positive (weekends)
happy for the weekend
want to be around my friends
look forward to vacations, activities, events
social
extroverted
positive

Negative (weekdays)
overly sensitive
anxious
depressed
isolated
tired
insecure
grumpy
irritable
am really sick of people
don't care what other think of me but at the same time have anxiety about it

The not drinking me:

Positive (weekdays)
calm
happy
relaxed
social
positive

Negative (weekends)
anxious
depressed
isolated
insecure
grumpy
irritable
sad
mad

I don't know why it has to come down to enjoying my weekends at the expense of feeling depressed/anxious the rest of the week or being in a better place overall but having crappy weekends.

I do know that when I am not drinking at all, I will go to bed and wake up with a smile on my face probably 80% of the time. When I am drinking on the weekends, that never happens.  I do get a smile on my face later in the day when it is almost time to drink but usually I wake up the a frowny, furrowed brow, grumpy face.

I wonder if maybe the 10 drinks I had this weekend were just too much for me, that I have to be really careful about the amount I consume.  Maybe that is enough to make me grumpy, depressed and anxious.

I do know that I told myself that I was only going to use alcohol in social situation where I just felt extremely awkward not to be drinking.  I don't want to have to avoid these thing and isolate myself, which is what always causes me to give up my abstinence goals.

I did not hold true to that promise this weekend.  While I did not get crazy or drink too much I did drink yesterday by myself. I just felt like having a beer while putting away groceries and then finishing that last glass of wine with dinner.  I found myself choosing high alcohol beer and wine instead of light beer so I could drink less - kind of that chasing the buzz thing. I found myself really wishing there was more wine left or wondering if anyone would notice if I went and got one more beer - kind of a craving type of thing. My dh was not not drinking and while I wasn't really hiding it or sneaking, I was hoping that he (or my ds) would notice.  I think that somewhere inside I realized I wasn't keeping my promises to myself and I didn't care.

I am not ready to give up drinkin entirely.  I need to go into next weekend with a plan.  It is simply not enough anymore to simply say that if I don't have a hongover, then I had a good weekend.  I need to keep the amount I consume down so that I don't get anxious and depressed.  I truly believe that drinking (even moderately on the weekends) causes my body to have anxiety with leads to me feeling really crappy.  I used to think it was all in  my head - that I just obsessed too much, but I now know that I have physical response to consuming alcohol that last far beyond just having a hangover the next day.