Monday, July 23, 2012

Family Vacation

Once a year, my sisters and our parents go on a long weekend.  I started the tradition 15 years ago when my dd was 2.  She was the only child at the time, but I wanted it to eventually be for all the cousins to get together and have a good time.  So you have our parents (my dad who is getting really grumpy and impatient with all the kids and my mom who gets really impatient with him), my sister (divorced, new boyfriend going and his two kids - 14 yo and 17 yo, her 5 yo and 6 yo), my other sister (divorced, somewhat new boyfriend, her two kids - 6 yo and 8 yo), me and my husband and our two kids - 14 yo and 17 yo.

These vacations have always ended with someone fighting sometimes not even speaking for months afterwards.  The problem is that we see each other all the time so its not like some big reunion.  If just two of us go somewhere it is fine, but when it is all of us ..... it just always seems to go bad.  Right now my two sisters aren't talking to each other so that will be interesting.

Anyway, I think a lot of the problems are fueled by alcohol.  I know that when I have been part of the problem it was always when I was drinking.  I get incredibly sensitive when drinking especially when it comes to my sisters and my daughter.  Like ridiculously, start crying sensitive.  The arguments have not involved me for the past few years, bc I have really tried to tone it down and keep myself under control.    

I am a little nervous for this trip.  I justt want everything to go smoothly without any drama.  i can only do what I can do - be the best person I can be and keep my alcohol consumption under control so I don't blow things out of proportion.

After I get back, I am going to do an extended abs period again.  I think i need it.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

The weekend

Thursday - 1 beer, Friday - 2 glasses of wine and 2 beers, Saturday - one bottle of wine .... so what does that make the weekend count 10 drinks - not good!  Needless to say exhausted and down today with only myself to blame.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The Plan

Ok - so here is my plan.  I have renewed my prescription to prozac (20 mg).  I am going to take them religiously (I am not always good with long term commitments to medication) for 2 months.  I am going to go to the gym 4 times a week, go to yoga 2 times a week, get plenty of rest, eat well (try to cut out my sugar intake which has been increasing), only drink occasionally never more than 2 days a week and never more than 3 on any one day. I know this may not wrk without completely absing, but I am going to try.  The one thing I absolutely can not do is over drink on the prozac.  I did that last time I tried this and it was a disaster!

Monday, July 16, 2012

depression vs. anxiety


After a little more research I think I may have more of a "general anxiety disorder (GAD)" rather than depression which I was reading can be caused by or made worse by issues with alcohol.  I was reading that the anxiety attacks of alcohol withdrawal (AKA a hangover) are very similar to those associated with GAD. I also read that they aren't sure if the anxiety you cause yourself with the constant withdrawal can actually cause you to develop GAD. They also aren't sure if an underlying GAD could cause alcohol abuse through self medicating - helping to ease the worry, anxiety and restlessness. I just thought it was pretty interesting (although not surprising) that the two are so closely related and that alcohol abuse can actually have long term psychological implications.  That it can actually screw you up psychologically in a physical and chemical sense long term not just in the short term (hangover) and not just mentally and emotionally. Does that make any sense?

depression vs. anxiety


After a little more research I think I may have more of a "general anxiety disorder (GAD)" rather than depression which I was reading can be caused by or made worse by issues with alcohol.  I was reading that the anxiety attacks of alcohol withdrawal (AKA a hangover) are very similar to those associated with GAD. I also read that they aren't sure if the anxiety you cause yourself with the constant withdrawal can actually cause you to develop GAD. They also aren't sure if an underlying GAD could cause alcohol abuse through self medicating - helping to ease the worry, anxiety and restlessness. I just thought it was pretty interesting (although not surprising) that the two are so closely related and that alcohol abuse can actually have long term psychological implications.  That it can actually screw you up psychologically in a physical and chemical sense long term not just in the short term (hangover) and not just mentally and emotionally. Does that make any sense?

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Depression

Thanks for the comments on my last post.  Cleo asked a great question that I want to ask to anyone who has some experience on the subject.  Am I depressed?  Absolutely, positively YES!  Am I getting little panic/anxiety attacks that are accompanied by hot flashes and an extreme sense of worry and fear?  Yes.  Am I losing sleep because of it? Yes.  Do I seem to to be having problems with many people in my life because I am being over sensitive and just an emotional mess is general? Yes.  Do I feel like I am just going through the motions of life, trying to get through the day, go to the gym, get my work done, make dinner, etc. but still have this sense of - what's the point? Yes.  Have I begun to wonder what the point of being a 44 year old woman even is? Yes. Have I lost my joy, my sense of purpose, my drive, my motivation? Yes. Have I maybe spent to much time looking at what is wrong with everyone else and not enough time looking at what I am doing to cause the problem? Yes. Have I become overbearing, micro managing, controlling and unreasonable? Yes. Could this be a sort of mid life breakdown? IDK. Does alcohol increase these problems?  Absolutely yes!

Here's the question...a chicken or the egg kind of thing...could I be depressed and I am using alcohol to self medicate.  When I drink I forget about my worries, am able to relax and have a good time.

or....Is the alcohol depressing me and I will just snap out of it if I stop drinking?

Should I...stop drinking first and then see how I feel?  Maybe the alcohol is making me depressed, anxious, purposeless.    (Remember I pretty much just drink on the weekends and have maybe 2-6 on a Friday and Saturday, but have been fighting this mental obsession with alcohol for years).

Should I start taking my anti depressants again and quit - Maybe it will make it easier to quit - address the underlying problem.

I wondered this same thing a couple of years ago and got a prescription for prozac.  I have no idea is it worked because the trick to to stop drinking.  I was still drinking on the weekends and the combination of an anti depressant and a depressant (alcohol) was a disaster.  I think it was the only time I was actually blacking out..I would go 0 to 60 in an hour and not know what hit me...so I stopped the anti depressants.  I know I can't do both.

I would appreciate any thoughts, opinions or personal experiences.  I am really at a loss right now.  However, I am coming to the realization that drinking is not helping anything.  That sense of relaxation,  fun, loss of worries that I get from drinking comes with any awfully big price.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

My post to my support group

Well, it sure has been awhile since I posted and I think it is probably time.  Thank you Kary and Lulu for checking in with me to see how I am (it really means a lot to me).  For those of you that are new to the list - here is a recap of my relationship with alcohol - I have been a binge drinker for 25 years (since I was in high school).  Most of those years I only drank on the weekends but always had a hard time stopping at one or two.  It usually ended up bring 5 or 6 followed by a hangover, depression self loathing, promises to myself, etc, only to do the same thing the next weekend.  Maybe around 4 years ago I found mm and tried to moderate for 3 years.  Being part of that list did help.  I did get better, but still had the over drinking/hangover at least twice a month.  Improvement but still not where I wanted to be.  Not only was I becoming more and more angry when I did drink, but my depression from over drinking was having a more profound effect on me.  I was also worried about the example I was setting for my two teenage kids.  In my 20's I was always the fun party girl.  Was I know turing into the obnoxious, drunk mom at neighborhood parties?  Then cp invited me to an abs chat one day on the mm list.  That led me to mmabsers.  I lurked and contemplated for a long time.  You all seemed to be were I was and now you were so happy without it.  It boggled my mind and I wondered (kind of doubted) if that could be me also.  

Christmas day was spent with a hangover and a promise that I would be done fighting this battle and I would never drink again.  I told everyone (kids, husband, parents, sisters).  I was so sure and so exhausted.  I had tried so many times in the past to do a 30 and I just couldn't do it.  With the help of all the wonderful, positive people on the mmabsers list and the support from my family - I was going to be the one to make a difference.  I would finally live a live free from the mental obsession I had with alcohol - which for me was even worse than the hangovers.  I went 82 days!  It wasn't a walk in the park and I never felt amazing.  I was proud of myself and it was great to wake up every Saturday and Sunday without a hangover.  It was also nice to not fight the weekday depression that came from weekend bingeing, but the mental obsession never went away.  I was isolated, depressed, bored, anxious and just plain grumpy every weekend.  This sucked! My addiction convinced my rational brain that life was boring without alcohol.  That this really sucked and that I could try again.  After 82 days sober, I made a deal with myself.  I would only have a glass of wine in the sun with a friend on occasion,  only have a Friday afternoon beer once in awhile. If I ever got a hangover again, I would quit for good.  

That was 4 months ago and I am now back to drinking every Friday and Saturday ( usually more than 3) and spending at least one weekend day with a hangover.  It happened very gradually, over days, weeks months.  I don't even really think I realized.  I mean, I did realize that I was slipping back into old patterns, but I just kept either looking the other way or telling myself, "You've got this...just do better next weekend."  

So here I am...I know many of you are saying "I knew she would be back."  You are right.  I think somehow in my self conscious I also new I would be back.  I just need to figure out how this time could be different.  I can't be that same whiney, bored, depressed, angry, frustrated, isolated, feeling sorry for myself person I was for 82 days.  I know - I just need to change my mind set, but I don't seem to be able to do that, which is not like me.  

After all of that, here is my question - Is that the way all of you felt when you quit and I just need to grit my teeth, put on my fake smile and get through it, or is there something I am missing?  Thanks for listening and once again welcoming me back to the fold.  I can't remember if it was lulu or Kary that compared my to a lost sheep wandering away from the fold, but I think I am slowly finding my way back and there is a sense of comfort in that thought.

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