Sunday, May 27, 2012

App power

I was reading one of the online support groups I am part of and someone mentioned an app called IntelliDrink.  I downloaded it and love it.  You input your drinks, which you can customize the size of beer, for example, and the alcohol content. It graphs your BAC for that drink, and any others you have, over time.  I only had one beer last night and I used the app.  I was shocked by the graph.  I didn't realize that it takes almost one hour for your BAC to get to its highest after starting the drink and 3 hours for that one drink to be completely metabolized and you BAC to return to normal.  No wonder it is so easy to get into trouble, not thinking you are "that bad" just to have another.  In the meantime, your BAC hasn't even stopped climbing from the the alcohol two drinks ago.  

My one beer last night raised my BAC to a .023% almost an hour after I had it and wasn't back to 0% for 3 more hours.  No wonder I felt like crap yesterday.  I was playing around with it and inputted those 4 drinks I had on Friday over the course of 3.5 hours and WOW!  my BAC was ridiculous by the end of the night - and I never really felt that "drunk".  That's a little scary!  Very helpful tool!  Knowledge is power!

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Wiped OUT!

Today is Saturday of Memorial Day weekend, traditionally a pretty heavy drinking weekend - warm weather, 3 day weekend, school is almost out - YEAH!!!  So last night I had one beer in the sun - the whole reason I chose to start drinking again.  It was nice, but I felt a little guilty bc one of my neighbors who knew I quit drinking saw me drinking.  We went inside and my neighbor, yes that neighbor, asked if I wanted a glass of wine.  I said, "Sure, why not."  I only had one but it was probably more than one bc she uses fish bowls for wine glasses.  Then dh was starving so we went to dinner and I had one more beer.  We called it an early evening at 10:30 and I came home.  Not an epic failure, I never really felt too drunk, but today I am completely wiped out!  I am starting to wonder if my body can handle any type of alcohol consumption at all any more.  That amount of alcohol in the past would not have even fazed me!

Monday, May 21, 2012


That is how I feel.  My weekend was OK.  Friday I was on the fence about calling anyone to hang out.  The weather was crappy and I was tired but restless.  i just get so bored when I am by myself.  I kept hoping someone would call me.  I didn't want to initiate but sure would have been up for getting together if someone would have called me.  I was trying to figure out why.  Is it because I wanted to drink?  Or because I was just so bored?  Well I decided that I would have a beer anyway all by myself.  I had 2.  I was trying to analyze what it was doing for me.  It did help me relax a little.  I was able to just sit down and watch TV, but I don't think it made me feel peaceful or happy.  I got really grumpy.  Again, I don't know if it was bc I was drinking or bc I was bored.

Saturday I had 2 glasses of wine with dinner.

Sunday the same thing happened.  I was in a pissy mood all weekend.  i needed to cook dinner and just didn't feel like doing all the prep work without a beer.  So I had two.  It helped me enjoy the cooking, but I wouldn't say it made me happy or joyful.  Then I just got really tired and went to bed.

Today I am of course tired, a little foggy, unmotivated.  I didn't have a hangover all weekend but I just don't feel 100%.  I am really starting to wonder if it is worth it.  I thought I would be so happy when I allowed myself a beer or glass of wine as long as I didn't get a hangover.  Well I don't feel that happy.  I don't seem to be able to be happy with it or without it.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Not good

So last night after I posted how tired I was, I went to the kitchen and saw a bottle of wine in the fridge that only had one glass in it.  In my exhausted stupor, I decided that I should just finish that so it was out of the fridge and wasn't bugging me all week.  I continued on and had 3 more beers - secretly, quickly, without thinking.  I called a friend and talked to her for an hour probably to distract myself from what I was doing.  Whoa - I am a little scared this morning that that even happened.  As for your comment on my last post, Kary May, last night it was definitely about wanting more, which frankly is extremely concerning to me.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Sooooo tired

Weekly check in after the weekend.  Friday, I wasn't planning on drinking.  My ds came over and just poured me a glass of wine without asking.  Had that, then had a beer.  I shouldn't have had the second.  Why?  That beer was my rationalization for not having any more wine - my compromise to myself.  I would have been fine with the one or even none for that matter.  Saturday - went out to dinner - had a beer waiting for a table and one glass of wine with dinner.  That was all.  Yesterday - Mother's Day - I wasn't going to drink.  I told myself I was giving myself the gift of a sober Mother's Day.  Family came over, red wine was open, I had 2 glasses.  That was the first red wine since December.

Today, I am soooo tired.  I never had more than 2 in a day and only 6 over the whole weekend (I used to drink that much every Friday and Saturday).  I woke up with a bit of anxiety this morning and am so tired right now in the evening that I don't even want to make dinner.  I don't even know if moderation is worth it.  I just don't really feel like I am living life fully.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

truth be told....

I really do feel kind of crappy today - exactly 6 weeks after I decided to try again.  I am not hungover per say. I did not drink too much last night - not the obvious headache, dizziness, nausea- but I do feel kind of crappy.  I feel tried, down, unmotivated, disappointed, sleepy, grumpy, don't feel like being around people.  I think I am going to stop denying and say that yes after 6 weeks of moderating pretty well, I do have a hangover today.  The kind of hangover that does not come from one night of over drinking but the kind that comes from your body just being tired of having to process, deal with and remove the toxin from itself every weekend - a sort of exhaustion  - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I just want to go to bed tonight and wake up tomorrow back to my happy self.  That is what I call wasting a day which was my ultimate goal not to do anymore.  I wouldn't not call my path right now successful.

Falling back into same patterns

Thank you to all of you that had some constructive comments for me last weekend.  When I hear things like  "it's a slippery slope, sister, you know what your instincts are telling you, and they will be the best guide to do the right thing for you."   "we can't ever TRULY enjoy it again because of how low it has brought us in the past."  You're making excuses to drink"  "Oh yes, I know those friends, they're relieved that you're showing signs of weakness because now they don't have to look too closely at their own drinking."  and my favorite - "If this were a nature show you'd be that wildebeest who has wandered from the safety of the herd...then the camera man switches to a scene of lionesses walking along in the tall grass....." Thank you to all of you and your wise words.  I seem to always be "mulling" something over in my head and these comments are what I have been focussing on this week.

Friday night - fail - had one glass of wine with a neighbor - ya I know - I said no wine this weekend, but she offered and it looked good.  I didn't take her offer for a second glass (I know that sounds like justifying the first by not taking the second).  Then went to play cards with my neighbor friends and had three more beers.  That's 4!  That is not OK.  Saturday I woke up a little tired.  I kept telling myself I did not have a hangover, but I would be lying if I said I didn't feel a little blurry and down in the dumps.  I still did everything  needed to do just didn't feel 100%.

Saturday - 3 beers - still too many - and more than that, I just feel myself falling back into old patterns - looking forward to the weekend so I can drink, making plans that I know will include drinking, getting that 3rd or even 4th without a whole lot of thought, not feeling 100% in the morning, telling myself I was going to take a break last night and then not,  I am so confused.  I wanted this so badly - to just be able to have one once in a while, and in just a few weeks I feel myself returning to where I was.  I am not there yet but each weekend I have a little more rather that the 1 or 2 once a weekend like I had wanted to do.  I am not ready to give up yet, but I am sure noticing a pattern.  I feel  a little like I am starting to slide down that slippery slope but am holding onto a branch for dear life to keep it from happening.....or I am that mama wildebeest who is eating grass not realizing the lion sneaking up.  Now I have seen the lion and can't figure out what to do - stand and fight, run as fast as I can, or just keep eating grass pretending not to see it!

I do know one thing - I need to take a break from alcohol next weekend. There I go again - having to make promises to myself - aghhhhh!!!!!