Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Spring - 68 Days

Tomorrow is the first day of March.  I am so excited.  I live in Colorado where it is beautiful all year, but I am so excited for spring to get here.  There is just something about March 1!  And this March 1 I can say I have been sober 68 days!  It has been rough at times.  I have been doing a lot of thinking.  I have had more than one huge craving session.  It has been really nice to not have a hangover and to be able to do anything on the weekends with my kids without having to think, "Well, I don't want to do this or commit to that because it may get in the way of my weekend partying." I have been proud of myself.
But ... I have also been very depressed, angry, melancholy, bored out of my mind, irritable, lazy, isolated basically having a pity party for myself.

Tomorrow I am going to change all of that.  I CHOOSE this.  I WANT this.  There is a reason ( or maybe 20 years of them) that I DECIDED to make this decision.  No one forced me too.  No one told me I couldn't drink anymore.  In fact, if I wanted to, I could.  I could try moderating again.  This is the first time I have absed for this long, and the first time I have ever shared my struggles with others.  I don't think anyone would think badly of me if I did try.  But ... I don't WANT to.  I want to be sober.  I want to give this a real shot.  I want to wait until month 4 to see how I feel.  I WANT to do this.

I need an attitude adjustment and the best time of year for me to do that is spring.  I am 68 days.  I am not even going to think about moderating until I am at least 120 days (if ever).  I am going to get off the couch, off the computer, out of bed,  and start living my life again.  I am going to stop eating sugar and processed carbs, get to the gym, go to yoga, walk my dogs, leave work at a decent time and go to bed early.

I know those sunny afternoon on the porch, when the sun is just starting to warm my soul again,  are going to be a killer without my beer or glass of wine, but I just have to get through it and remind myself why I am doing this. For once in my life I need to honor the promises I have made to myself. This is my life!  I need to start choosing my life.  What do I want it to be? No one can change it but me.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Leap of faith

After 15 years of being the party girl, 10 years of trying to watch and do better, 2 years of seriously trying moderation, I just plain decided I had had enough of the weekend binge/party, followed by the hangover, followed by the regret/disappointment/depression/self hatred, followed by the felling better/denial/rationalization/obsession, followed by the excitement of the next weekend, followed by the binge /party ... over and over and over and over and over......I had finally just had ENOUGH!  I am only 58 days sober and am struggling but still glad I finally took a leap of faith that this life had to be better than that life.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Better today

Thank goodness I feel better today.  We took our son to see a college basketball game last night.  It was pretty fun. Not something I would have done in the past (would have been home partying with friends for sure on a 3 day weekend).  You couldn't drink in the stands, but there were obviously a few of the adult parents of college students that had been.  They were loud and obnoxious.  They thought they were so funny, but to almost everyone else they were just annoying.

There was an area up above with windows to the game where you could drink.  In the past I would have really been feeling that pull - Do I want to go up there? Absolutely, they seem to be having fun. Should I go up there? No, it wouldn't seem right when I have my ds and his friend with us.  Do I wish my ds wasn't here so I could go up there?  No!  That's not being a good mom (OK maybe sorta,  now I feel guilty about even feeling that way) Can I have fun without drinking while all those people up there seem to be having a great time?  I guess I will just have to try (aka this kinda sucks).

Instead, I was really glad I wasn't drinking.  Most of the people were missing the game - isn't that why we were there?  It reminded my of the smoking area.  It just always seemed so ridiculous to me that people would freeze their asses off to go outside for a smoke - no judgement - I smoked for 15 years.  It just seemed like maybe they just couldn't get through the game without having a beer.  I don't know - it just seemed a little pathetic.

I know that if I would have gone up there, the whole evening would have looked different.  It wouldn't have been about taking my ds to a basketball game any more, it would have been about - I am not ready to leave yet...I made some new friends and am having fun...probably would have ended with dh mad at me and ds giving me that "let's go" look through the glass. That makes me feel so guilty even thinking about it.  I am soooooo grateful that I was strong yesterday and didn't wake up feeling guitly.

It took me 6 months to start living again when I quit smoking.  I was a mess for six months - just thinking that everything was going to suck without smoking.  This is the exactly the same as I feel now with alcohol.  Now I could care less about smoking.  I have no desire and am so glad I quit.  I just have to have faith that I will get there with alcohol as well.  In the end that is what I want.  If I would have caved last night (even if I could have kept it at one), I would have ended right back up in the mentally obsessed, all consuming hell hole I just left.  I have not gone 57 days just to have to do them all over again!

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Wanting to drink sooooooo bad!

I am having a REALLY BAD day!  I am pissed - life just sucks!  I am depressed - I don't feel like doing anything! I have ANOTHER headache!  I am grumpy - this is soooo not fair!!!  Everyone else gets to have a good time on the weekends and I just sit around being bored, mad, depressed!  Who cares that it is a three day weekend? What difference does it make?  Just another day to trudge through and go to bed! I thought I would feel amazing by now.  I haven't had a hangover in 56 days!  Yeah well, I feel like shit!  i am seriously considering having one glass of wine tonight.  I just want to have fun again and look forward to things again and not feel so down in the dumps.  You guys may all feel amazing, but I don't!  Sorry to be so negative - just how I am feeling right now!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Still waiting.....

For all of you abstainers out there, when did you start feeling better?  I will be at day 50!!!! tomorrow.  It really has gone by pretty fast.  I have only had one major craving and a couple of small ones. I have made some huge accomplishments in terms of telling people, getting it out in the open, letting the secret out. I do feel better about myself, but I still fell like crap!  I have no motivation at all.  I think I have gained 10 pound (I only weigh 130 so now my pants don't fit), I feel sluggish, tired, lazy, headachy, grumpy, exhausted, kind of melancholy and just flat out BORED!  I know I should get up off the couch and do something.  I know it would make me feel better.  I still have plenty of energy at work (kind of hard to fake it with 35 -  11 year olds), but when I get home I am just plain dead. Last night I didn't even have the energy to eat dinner.  Dd and I were going to go get a movie but I just was too lazy/tired.  This is so not like me.  When will I get that, "I have never felt better in my life" feeling you all are talking about?  That little devil on my shoulder is starting to say, "Why bother, you felt better when you were drinking."  I am reaching out so I can tell him to SHUT UP!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

So true! (Day 46 BTW)

Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.

Watch your actions, for they become habits.

Watch your habits, for they become character.

Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.

No idea who to give credit to for saying it.  Saw it on one of the message boards I am on.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Told a friend aka "Cool"

So I have this neighbor friend who I love.  She is so positive and never complains about anything.  We have spent many an afternoons sitting in the warn sun during the winter having a beer.  She knows I love that so whenever it was a weekend and the sun was out she would call and say, "You ready for a beer yet?"  My response was always, "Absolutely!"  If I couldn't,  I would always be bummed out.

Well, I have been avoiding her since absing.  She has probably called half a dozen times in the last 45 days.  I either don't answer the phone or make up some excuse.  I was really nervous about telling her I wasn't drinking anymore.  I knew she wouldn't give me hard time, but I didn't want our relationship to change.  I knew I needed to tell her so she didn't think I was just being a b**ch.

She came over last Friday (which used to be a big drinking night for me).  She had her usual bag of three beers she brought with her.  After a while she asked where my beer was.  I had been waiting for the question, I took a deep breath and told her that I had quit drinking.  I had no idea what she was going to say.  I didn't know how much I was going to need to explain or defend.

She said, "Cool."  That's it!!!  COOL?!?!?!  I felt the need to say something, so I said that I don't want her to not drink because I am not.  She said, "Don't worry, I won't."  That was the end of it.  That's it!  I was worried about nothing.  She obviously could care less whether I drink or not.  What did I think she was going to say - OHHH!!!  That SUCKS!!!  WHY!!!!  Come on!!!!!

It is blowing my mind.  I always, for some reason, thought everyone else wanted me to be drinking.  That they would all be totally bummed out when they found out I wasn't.  That seems a little self centered now - to think that my drinking was so important to everyone else.  I am glad now that it isn't/wasn't, but still, what kind of a reality was I living in?

Monday, February 6, 2012

Super Bowl Party

So I really have been isolating myself, which actually is fine with me right now.  My 17 dd is not making some good choices right now (poor grades, staying out past curfew) so I have had more than my hands full with her.  We are kind of all about tough love and consequences.  Unfortunately for me, that means taking away her car.  This means we have to driver her back and forth to school. Urghh!  I am glad I am sober to be dealing with the rut she is in right now.  She probably wishes I would go back to drinking on the weekends - I don't think I paid as much attention to what she was doing and let her get away with a lot more.

Anyway, I did NOT want to go to a super bowl party last night in our neighborhood.  I could care less, had just had an extremely busy (13 yo ds's basketball) and stressful (dd's nonsense) weekend, and I didn't feel like dealing with a bunch of drinking people.  My dh talked me into it.  He said people were beginning to ask where I had been. I personally don't care but in this neighborhood when one part of the marriage stops showing up, it usually means trouble in paradise.  He didn't want people to think that about us, so I begrudgingly went.  I didn't have a very good attitude when I got there.  There was only 7 minutes left in the game and I was leaving as soon as it was over.

As soon as I walked in, my friend (the ones who knows I quit) brought me a seltzer water and whispered, "I wouldn't want you to be empty handed."  I thought that was very sweet.  There is this one woman in the neighborhood who I have a great deal of respect for but never really talk to bc she doesn't drink much and I was always drinking too much.  Well, I sat and talked to her for over an hour!  My husband actually had to drag me out just like old times - and I was stone cold sober!  I guess it is true, you can have a good time without drinking.  And I bet I felt a heck of a lot better than the rest of them this morning!

Friday, February 3, 2012

Snow Day

Yes, I am still here...and... no, I have not drank - I think something like 40 days.  I am feeling pretty good.  Physically, I am finally starting to feel like 7-8 hours of sleep is enough when I wake up in the morning.  Emotionally, I feel a little more even.  I still get upset sometimes, but I actually am now expressing it because when I was drinking, I always wondered if it was just me being too sensitive because I was HO. 

I am struggling a little today, however.  I was always a happy drinker.  I didn't drink when i was angry, sad or upset.  For me, it was part of celebrations.  Well, today is a SNOW DAY!!! and i am a teacher.  Now that is a reason to celebrate.  Better yet, it is a snow day on a Friday!!!  I keep thinking, man, I would have definitely been thinking about getting my drink on.  Not drinking this morning (I never drank before like 4:00 pm) but setting the plans in motion to have a party tonight.  I would be texting my friends in the neighborhood seeing what they were doing later.  Snow day today, no school tomorrow (don't have to get up) and then one more day to recover before Monday (or maybe got to a Super Bowl party)!!!  Let's get this party started!!! That is how I would have been feeling.

I am glad I am not drinking, but I don't know what to do with those feelings of - Well this just doesn't seem as fun as would of in the past.  it feels like my abstinence just took a little wind out of my sails - took a little joy out of my step,  just doesn't seem as fun.

I know that it is what I want, I know I would be really mad at myself tomorrow for drinking, I know there are plenty of other things  I can do with my time, I know all of that, just sayin....