Saturday, December 31, 2011

Welcome 2012!

I will wake up tomorrow ready to take on a new year.  I will not have a HO, I will not be embarrassed bc of anything i said or did the night before, I will know that I put my kids as my first priority.

Now for this year - at least I don't have the resolution to stop/do better with my drinking!  I have already done that.  Now that I have that out of the way, my resolution is to be present in the moment and live each day with intention.  To find out what I really like to do now that I will have more free time.  I need to find other ways to relax and spend my time.  I will finally have the time and energy to take better care of myself - get to the gym, eat better, get enough sleep.  My goal is really to spend more time looking inward rather than outward for my happiness and peace.  My happiness is not up to nor dependent on others.  I need to find my own happiness.  Part of that is to not be so sensitive.  Everything is not always about me.

I also need to be vigilant in my sobriety. I will blog every day, post to my online community lists and read all of the literature I receive regarding sobriety.  This is the year I will become the person I have always known I could be.  A calm, collected, mature, compassionate, competent woman.

New Year's Eve 2011 - 11:50 PM

I am so thankful for were I am at right now at the end of 2011.  2012 will be amazing!  Happy New Year!

New Year's Eve 2011 - 6:30 PM

I would normally be well into getting my drink on by now!  Every New Years (except one pregnant one)for the past 25 years (since I was 19) I would be drinking by now!  Man, did I look forward to this day.  It was my favorite holiday.  I, in fact, was the one having the neighborhood New Year's Eve party for maybe 15 years so I didn't have to drive anywhere.  I had some that were really bad and I was tashed.  I had some that were moderate and I did pretty good.  I never had any that were sober and I rarely woke up on New Year's Day feeling good.

I am not quite sure how I feel right now, maybe a mixture of thankful, sad, excited, nervous, tired, bored, embarrassed, proud, anxious, calm, angry, happy, restless, content.  it really is a mixed bag of emotions.

On the up side - I am now hosting a teenage party.  just got back form the store with $75 dollars in junk food for them.  I guess it is better than the money I would have spent on alcohol.  In the past I would have been way to selfish. i wanted my kids with me but that was because I didn't want to have to worry about them.  I take care of them all the time.  This was my night!  My night to spend with alcohol!  That is actually a bit sad.  This New Years Eve I will truly be present and spend it with my family.

Day 7 - too self confident?

Well last night was tough.  My bff (aka drinking buddy) and her dh asked us to go to the museum with them.  OK - that seems pretty safe - they don't even have alcohol there.  While there - we all got hungry.  Bff suggested one of our favorite Mexican food places.  I have never been there without at least 2 Negro Modelos.  Ok - I can do this - I am also hungry - I've got to go there without drinking eventually - why not tonight?  We went - I sucked down 3 ....  club sodas.  Dh and friend had a couple beers - which didn't bother me.  Bff had iced tea!  I told her to do what she wants - I don't want her or anyone else to feel like they need to change their behavior bc of me.  She said she was fine - she was just saving her "points" up for tomorrow (NYE).  So far so good.

Then someone suggested a movie at their house.  I felt a pang of nervousness but didn't want to ruin the fun for everyone so I said OK.  When we got to her house, I panicked, couldn't go in the house and said I had to go let the dogs out.  I just freaked out! I have NEVER been in her basement (12 years) to watch a movie without the wine flowing - usually in excess.  I, all of a sudden, did not feel safe!  BTW - I have not had panic attacks since I quit smoking.

So I got home and started to feel better - it started to pass.  Then I thought - I eventually have to watch a movie in the basement without alcohol.  I want to still hang out with her and not effect everyone else's evening.  So why not tonight - also get that "first" out of the way.  So..... I took a deep breath went back over.  She did not open any wine. In fact, no one drank anything else.  I sucked down 2 more club sodas, ate a huge bowl of popcorn, watched the movie, came home and went to bed.  I am very proud of myself!  I hope I am not jumping into situations too quickly.  I am an all or nothing kind of girl, which is probably why I was a binge drinker instead of a daily drinker.  If I am choosing not to drink, then let's not screw around and prolong the pain.  Let's just jump in with both feet and learn to live life without alcohol.  Do you think this is being a little too self-confident?

I do, however,  wish today was over!  I just don't even want to deal with NYE this year!  All the partiers are going to think I don't feel well.  My family knows that I could care less what they do.  All of the family drama is not my focus today.  All I know is that I am staying home, I am not drinking and if they come over here neither are they.  The most important thing for me is to get through today, the hardest day of the year for me - SOBER!

Friday, December 30, 2011

Day 6 AM

I can't believe it has only been 6 days since my last drink.  It has been such an emotional battle this week that I feel like it has been a month.  Only the anxiety,rapid heart beat and inability to sleep tell me it hasn't been that long.  These are my typical withdrawal symptoms that have helped me recognize my problem.

Today I am just going to get through the day.  It is Friday (a holiday weekend Friday no less) and that is a huge trigger.  I am not going to try to ignore or push my worry/anxiety away.  I am going to feel them, live with them, think about them and remind myself that drinking will just keep it going.  I will not drink today!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

End of Day 5

My heart is beating so fast and I am so exhausted.  I am sure it is still withdrawals and the anxiety of all the new decisions.  I am emotionally drained.  It has been a rough couple of days.  What I am thinking about right now is how I stopped smoking.  I tried and tried and tried for probably 10 years on and off and 2 years seriously.  When i was serious, I would wake up, tell myself I wasn't smoking that day and go to work.  I would create chaos in my day so that I could say, "Well that was a bad day.  I need a cigarette!"  Then I would struggle with that decision for about two hours and eventually go buy a pack.  As soon as I had the first one, I said, "Screw it!  Now I might as well make the most out of it, smoke as many as I can, throw the rest away and then start again tomorrow."  I did this over and over and over - probably 3 times a week for 2 years!  Then one day I wanted one so bad, was presented with the situation to have one with no pressure not to.  It was truly my choice.  I walked around outside for 2 hours - literally yelling at myself - having a battle with myself!  I know it sounds crazy and I really am not crazy!  That was the day I truly quit.  I had a couple of relapses after that but never was fully engaged in the addiction again.  To stop, I had to completely become a hermit for 6 months.  I couldn't do anything, see anyone, participate in life at all.  I went to work and to the gym.  That was it.  Then, after 6 months, it started to get easier.  I started to feel better - day by day I felt better.  I still had to avoid any smoking situations for another year, but I didn't feel like I was going to die.  Eventually, I didn't even want one.  I had learned to live life without it.  Now, I could be drunk (well not really that anymore either) and in a smoky bar and not even have the urge.  This gives me hope.  I know that this is going to be really hard, but it can't be harder than cigarettes.  I did that.  I can do this!

Day 5

This morning I woke up and had a mini anxiety attack.  My first thought was, "What have you done???  You have just told your family you have a drinking problem!!! What were you thinking????  Now you are really stuck!  Maybe you should have waited few more days, when the hangover/depression/self hatred were gone.  Maybe then you would have reconsidered and not said anything."  I really was mad at myself that I said anything because no what if I want to drink?  Now what?  Now it would just be a mess?

Then I started having a conversation with myself about whether or not I have a drinking problem.  I started going back in my head the last twenty years and all the things that might prove to myself I actually have a problem. This is what I came up with:

In my 20's
*Throwing up in some strangers house plant after having way to much at an open bar wedding
*Being escorted out of a bar through the back door bc I couldn't get off the toilet to walk
*Driving or being driven when I had absolutely no business doing so
*Having parties at my house every weekend so I had a safe place to drink
*Falling out of the bathroom stall on roller skates with my pant down
*Jumping fences to sneak into swimming pools in the middle of the night and running form the police who were trying to catch us - lucky we didn't drown
*Having every weekend preoccupied with alcohol and being really pissed if anything got in my way

In my 30's
(did have two brief period of being "good" - pregnancies/quitting smoking)
*Realizing that I just moved into a "party" neighborhood
*Drinking too much at every single neighborhood get together and swearing I would do better next time
*Throwing up at a New Years Eve party at my house and in bed by 9:00 - trashed
*Falling in the street in the middle of the night by myself walking home from a neighbors house
*Driving my kids home one night from my sister when I HAD NO BUSINESS DRIVING - swearing if *I just got home safe with no dui I would quit - that was probably 7 years ago
*Getting wasted at a baby shower (when no one else was) - walking through the kitchen finishing  everyone else glasses of wine when no one was looking!
*Throwing up out the car window (husband was driving) while my kids were in the car
*Having to have my sister come pick up my kids from a restaurant once bc I wasn't done and wanted to
go out with our friends
*Having many, many, drama filled/alcohol fueled vacations with extended family (yelling, screaming,    crying, etc)

In my 40's
*Repeatedly having to get up and leave unexpectedly from functions, stumble home and get to bed
*Getting wasted at chili cook-offs, neighborhood parties, weekends, etc.
*No longer going to the gym or eating healthy - too exhausted
*Getting trashed in front of my kids - they are now old enough to realize
*Picking fights with husband or even my dear kids when drunk
*Creating bad days/weeks just for an excuse to drink
*Almost driving in a ditch close to my house coming home from a FAC work party
*Making a fool at myself at a work function at a bar throwing popcorn
*Acting like an idiot singing Karoeke at a bar with work friends
*Drinking during the day on vacations or "special occasions"
*Not being able to attend any function without eventually drinking
*Drinking wine during the week
*Having a neighbor call you a drunk (coming from a drunk who was drunk)
*Stumbling home from a neighbors, stepping in the mud, passing out in bed  fully clothed with a muddy foot
*Sneaking drinks when no one was looking
*Multiple days wasted with hangovers - always swearing I will do better
*Mental anguish/torment ALL DAY/EVERY DAY

I don't drink during the week, I don't drink during the day, I don't drink hard alcohol but obviously

I HAVE A PROBLEM AND NEED TO STOP!!!!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

End of Day 4

I am exhausted!  Had everyone over.  The sister that I had already talked to said to my other sister, "I don't know what we are doing NYE - I don't think (ksusier) is going to go or at is least not staying at the party."  The sister who didn't know gets all bent out of shape about not being included in the change of plans.  I tell her to get off my back - I need to talk to her about something in private.  My mom says, "Well it is obviously about me."  OMG!!!  It is no wonder I have drank for so long.  Any way - I brought my mom and other sister up to my bedroom - cried my eyes out (for the second day in a row) and told them.  My mom said, "I am proud of you and I already knew you had a problem."  My other sister (who has the same addictive/obsessive problems as I do) said, "Trust me I know how consuming that battle inside your head can be.  I think it is very courageous of you to tell us.  I will do anything you need.  You  beat nicotine - you can beat this. You are an amazing person and mother.  Stop beating yourself up.  You are strong enough to do this."  I feel very loved and supported.

Also, my dd and her friends all wanted to go see a scary Rated R movie (Paranormal Activity 3) which most of them could not get into because they are only 16.  How amazing it was at 8:00 at night to be able to say to them, "I'll take you - no problem."  I had 8 teenagers with me to see the movie and it was scary.  That also made me feel important, loved and needed.  I could have never done that before because I wouldn't have wanted to drive.  I think I can be more spontaneous while sober - who knew.

Day 4 mid afternoon

Once again, I have to host a family event - my daughter's birthday.  One person asked, "Should we bring some wine?"  I said, "I don't care.  If you want some, you better bring it bc I don't have any."  I also have a neighbor friend blowing up my phone to come over and have a beer.  They all know I am off for winter break and know that I don't usually pass up an offer - no matter what I am doing.  In fact my phone is ringing for the 3rd time right now.  I really don't want to go into it all with her right now, so I am just going to tell her I am in the shower.  Even though I absolutely do not want to drink right now - I am feeling a little anxiety physically.  It is interesting to me that my head is saying no and my body is saying - please.  It is usually my brain that I am battling.  The physical battle is easier right now.  I do feel a little shaky however.

Also, I took the HUGE step last night of telling my sister.  She said she already knew and that she was very proud of my for not only seeing it in myself and for having the courage to not only admit ti but to tell her about it.  She said she will do whatever I need her to do to support my in my sobriety.  She is amazing! I feel very fortunate to have bother her and my husband behind me.  She is very concerned about me attending the New Year's Eve party.  Her exact words where, "Are you crazy?  I don't think that is a very good idea."  We are coming up with some alternate plans.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Day 3 comes to a close

As Day 3 comes to a close, I feel tired but restless, agitated, shaky on the inside, headachy - I know after many Day 3's this is to be expected.  I spent many years just thinking I was grumpy for now apparent reason and just waited for the weekend to come so  could have a couple - never really connecting the two together.  At least now I can see al of my withdrawals for what they are.

The next realization that is coming through is that this is not going to be easy - as much resolve as I have right now in Day 3 - as sure as I am that I want to stop drinking - as positive as I am of this decision for so many reasons - it will not stay with me.  Usually by Day 6 (more or less)  my addiction will try to convince me that  am just overreacting, that this is just the latest obession, that my problem isn't that bad, that I am going to try to moderate one more time and if it doesn't work, I will quit forever.  And doesn't it just figure that Day 7 is New year's Eve so I am assuming it will be worse than usual.  I know it will come like a shitstorm trying to ruin the peace that I am trying to make with this.  And I am scared because I have always given in and I have always been so sure on Day 1, 2, 3, 4, .....


Tonight I am going to bed.  Tomorrow I am going to try to write something to myself that I can read when that terrible, convincing, insidious, unrelenting, never resting voice of addiction returns to my head.  As soon as I start feeling better, it will be back and this time I WILL BE READY!!!

Reflections of yesterday and worry for NYE

Well, I am pretty tired today even though I did not drink.  i did not sleep well which is par for the course on Day 3.  Hot flashes, freezing, restless, etc.  I did go to yoga this morning and am very proud of myself for yesterday but am now worried about New Year's Eve.  What am I going to do?  I am helping to plan the party.  I can't just bail without telling people why.  I don't want to tell people why right now.  Maybe my sister (which I did not have a chance to tell yesterday bc everyone was around) but not the whole neighborhood.  Part of my just thinks it isn't their business and I really don't want to go into it.  Maybe I will go and fake it - carry around a red cup with water.  Maybe I will go help set up and then "disappear" back to the safety of my own home.  Maybe I will just be there, have a good time and just tell people I am taking a break from leaving and just leave it at that.  I am not sure yet, but I do know that I will not drink.  I did not get through my first ever Christmas day dinner, that I cooked no less, just to blow it on New Year's Eve.  It is just another 24 hours.  All of my enjoyment, fun, laughter, sense of belonging should not be wrapped up in such a destructive beverage.

One other reflection from yesterday was that after the initial panic/anxiety attack of not being able to drink, when I look back at it, it seems like it was much less chaotic of a day than it would have been with that constant wine buzz that I would have maintained most of the day.  Made dinner (no big deal), ate dinner (no big deal), cleaned up dinner (no big deal), watched the kids open presents (not big deal), watched a movie (no big deal) and went to bed.  Woke up proud of myself with no HO - BIG DEAL!! It seems like it was calmer in my own head, quieter, less chaotic.  I was much less reactionary to everyone around me.

Maybe the holidays (and everything in my life for that matter) have been more about the anticipation of being able to drink than looking forward to the actual event. Hmmmmm.....

Monday, December 26, 2011

Success

I DID IT!!!!  I got through cooking an amazing Christmas dinner for 16 people (crazy, drinking, family members) without drinking.  I don't know if I have ever done that in my adult life other than the year I was pregnant.  It was a little weird.  The anticipation and build up was actually worse than the event.  While making the shopping list, out shopping and beginning to cook I felt terrible.  I had a major mental struggle going on in my head.

On the one hand I was thinking, "This is just going to suck. I don't even want to do it.  I just wish every one would cancel.  I am not going to be able to look forward to everything again. I will just start tomorrow.  I shouldn't be attempting this during the holidays.  what am I going to say of anyone bugs me."

On the other hand, I was thinking,  "Are you kidding me!!!  I haven't even gone 2 days and I am already trying to convince myself.  This about how incredibly proud you will be about yourself.  It is just another 24 hours.  No big deal just get through it."

I honestly felt like I was having an anxiety attack for about 3 hours because of the anticipation of not being able to drink.  Then, once everyone started getting here, I just kept busy, tried not to think about it and just focussed on the cooking.

The most amazing part was that NO ONE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!!!  I DON'T THINK ANYONE EVEN NOTICED!!!!! I am shocked!!!

Tiny step

Ok so I made the first tiny little step.  The drama has already begun.  No one can decide on a time for dinner.  People are getting a little snippy - some are saying if we miss it - oh well we will be there later.  What?!?!?!?  I have to go buy all the food, make it and host.  People should be committing to a time.  RUDE!!  I, of course, am trying to be the peace maker, have spent an hour now texting everyone trying to settle on a time.  My anxiety level is already rising!  

I talked to one of my sister and said, "I know you have to work tomorrow.  Are you planning on drinking?"  She said, "I don't really care.  I hadn't really thought about it (wow - I wish I could feel that way - but I can't/don't)."  I said, "Well, how about let's not.  i already feel my anxiety rising.  I am worried about how today is going to go and if we put alcohol in the mix, it might not be a good thing."  she said, "OK whatever."  then in the next breath I said, "Can you bring whatever wine you have, just in case other people want some so I don't have to go to the liquor store?"  I know that is my addiction talking - freaking out - feeling betrayed.  

I am seriously considering at least telling my sister the truth today.  The thought of that both scares the shit out of me and feel amazing!  i will keep you posted.  It will take a lot of courage and I will probably chicken out.  I will keep yo posted!

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Worried about tomorrow

Well, this Christmas wasn't that great.  I had a major HO from last night.  It took me half the day to even function.  I remember last year when this happened I snuck Kahlula in my coffee which I NEVER do.  I do not drink in the morning, but I just thought, "Oh well, people say it makes you feel better and it is Christmas morning.  I will do so much better after this."  Well, this morning I did not put anything in my coffee, but I am not only not any better than last year - I think I am worse.  I think that my bingeing has gotten more severe and more regular.  It is almost as if after one drink, I lose all sense of even thinking about it.  Even before I get the buzz, I have given up and said, "Screw it!  I am drinking tonight."  If it is a weekend night I am either absing or bingeing.  Rarely can I moderate on the weekend.  My numbers look better, but I am worse.  I am also getting much meaner and louder when I drink.  I get defensive, arrogant, loud, dominate and I am sure irritating.  I remember seeing my dad act like that when I was little.  I also remember many holidays that ended with family fight and my mom crying.  I could never understand why he would chose alcohol over his kids, but really that is what I am doing now.  Do I go to jail? No.  Do I get DUIs? No.  Do I lose my job? No.  but I am losing precious time with my kids every time i am hiding from a hangover which has been 4 days in the last 8.  That is pretty sad.

Tomorrow i want to abs.  I want to abs for the rest of my life.  I want to be the one telling people how peaceful it is.  I want to me the role model, the one everyone looks up to.

But...tomorrow is going to be really rough.  We are doing our family Christmas at my house.  I am cooking a big dinner and everyone is coming over.  This has always spelled disaster for me.  I love to have people over while I am cooking, share some wine, have a few laughs, eat a nice dinner with more wine. But that is where it ends up stopping for most people.  I on the other hand am looking for that last bottle of wine, making sure I get "my share" before it is gone.  And if it is gone, I switch to beer. Everyone else has long since stopped drinking, but I am still at it which leads to the HO and self hatred the next day.

I am not ready to tell everyone, at least not tomorrow, but it is going to be really difficult to fake.  How do I get through all of it without drinking and not having anyone notice?  I have to even go buy the wine for tomorrow.  I am really worried about tomorrow.

Why???

so after everything I posted yesterday....I drank last night...I wanted to have a HO free Christmas day...and it is not!  i don't know what is wrong with me!  I just can't seem to say no when it is offered...no matter how convinced I was that morning that I wasn't going to drink.  I want soooooooo badly to be able to say, "I have been sober since Christmas day 2011."  But I just know I will fail...i always fail...i am tired of failing...

afraid

Why am I so afraid of taking that step of total sobriety?  I am so afraid that life is just going to suck without alcohol.  I look forward to having a couple drinks when it comes to anything special going on - holidays, get togethers, birthdays, vacations, weekends.  It has just been a part of me for so long.  Nothing seems like it will be as fun or enjoyable anymore and I won't have anything to wait for, to look forward to.  I know it sounds stupid, but did you guys once feel like this?  What did you tell yourself to get over those feelings?  I know, I know, I know - life is great for all of you now....but it is not for me...I want to be completely abstinate but I just can't imagine never being able to have that part of my life again. 

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Nervous

I am going to try to post every day for a while.  Yesterday was terrible.  HO....felt awful...did nothing...wasted the day....ate plenty of crap food...beat myself up for most of the day regarding my behavior on Thursday night.....BUT......I also joined Women For Sobriety.  I have to get approval and then I am going to see if there is any local meetings.  This is a HUGE step for me - to bring my "issues"off my computer, out of my study, out of my head.  I feel like I have been hiding my problem for so long, thinking that I will just try harder this time.  No one will know I had a problem (haha - I'm sure people thought things Thursday night), I will just fix it quietly by myself.

I am going to be 44 years old and have spent 25 adult years in this relationship with alcohol.  Not always bad - we have had some good times together.  I could always turn to my buddy beer or wine to make me more relaxed, funny, fun, happy, outgoing, daring, party girl that everyone wanted around.  It has been a pretty great ride, but things have changed between me and alcohol.  My "friend" now lures me in with ever increasing pressure, allows me a little fun just to get things started and then completely takes control of me.

I lose ME.  I become the me that is swimming in a pool of rapidly increasing intoxication.  I don't like that me anymore.  I am tired of that me.  I have been that me for 25 years.  It can't ever be like it was when I was in my 20s or 30s.  Unfortunately for my relationship with alcohol, things have to change.  I am beginning to understand the idea of moderating being harder than abstaining.  Trust me - I have tried to moderate on and off for 15 years, pretty hard for the last two.  It is VERY hard to moderate (for me - the binge drinker) - obviously - I have not been very successful.  I have done great with the daily drinking, but given the social nature of my personality I can not moderate on the weekends if I put that first drink to my lips.  My "friend" alcohol has me in her grasp saying, "OK now your talking...I knew I could get you one more time .... now let's have some fun.  I love hanging out with you... you are the best....we have so much fun together...don't think about tomorrow...live in the moment....have fun now!"

I don't want to live the second half of my adult life like this.  I also am well aware that if I continue down this path things will not get better, and they will also not stay the same.  I have enough alcoholics in my family to know that they WILL inevitably get worse.  this disease is progressive.

Alcohol is just a stupid drug and I, my friend, am a drug addict.  Wow!  I can't believe I just wrote that!  My fingers seem to be typing on their own.  Ever heard of "Conversations with God?"  I have to get out before something bad happens.  I have to lift the fog of this DISEASE!  I have to become the person I am meant to be in this life.  I have to CHOOSE not to let this stupid drug have control over me any longer!

Friday, December 23, 2011

I am so sick of myself!

So I haven't posted in a while.  I decided I was getting too caught up in the thinking about the problem.  Obsessing about the latest obsession (my alcohol issues) was just making it worse.  I decided it just "play it by ear."  Let it be the way it used to be - no drinking during the week, moderate on the weekends (although that is kind of a joke bc I rarely moderated on the weekends).  I had a terrible week over Thanksgiving, swore it would be different, had a couple of really good weeks, and now have fallen off the deep end AGAIN!  For me that means not being able to go more than 4 days without drinking, some days (during the week) only drinking one or two, bingeing with 5-6 on the weekends and waking up with a HO. Since winter break started, I have had 3 bingeing nights, 3 days spent with a HO and only 2 days abstaining.   I think I have a problem.  I may be that dreaded A word and I may need help.  I just can't seem to get a handle on this alone.  My mind is going back to when I would wake up in the morning, trying to plan the next neighborhood get to together just so I could drink.  I am not the same as I used to be when I drink.  I think I might have really embarrassed myself last night at the party.  i don't think I said anything out of line, but anymore I just get so fricking loud.  Maybe I have always been, it just is annoying coming from a middle aged woman.  I know for a fact I embarrass my teenage children by telling stories about them.  This has got to stop!  I can't live like this anymore. I am broken, disgusted with myself, incredibly lonely in this self imposed prison of addiction (even though I am surrounded by people who love me) and just exhausted from it all!  I need help!  I am crying as I type - please don;t let anyone see...

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Outer me vs. inner me


I read this "morning blessing" and thought about what I truly want in my heart (sobriety) and the conflict I seem to be having with this when it comes to the "outer" me.  There is the me who wants to stay home, be calm and peaceful. There is also the me that wants to still connect with people (that has always meant with alcohol in the past), go out, have fun, be part of the group, not feel left out or different.  Right now I can't do both - it is either one or the other.  I know it will come - but right now it is a struggle.


Often it is very hard to realize that I am one. The outer life seems utterly outer. It seems a part of a separate order. It is made up of the things I do, of my relationship of one kind or another with work, play, job, people, and things. The standard by which the outer is judged tends to be an artificial standard, made up of that which is convenient, practical, expedient. The outer seems public, it seems ever to be an external net of physical relationships.
The inward sanctuary is my sanctuary. It is the place where I keep my trust with all my meanings and my values. It is the quiet place where the ultimate issues of my life are determined. What I know of myself, my meaning; what I know of God, His meaning; all this, and much more, is made clear in my secret place. It seems strangely incongruous, often, to bring into my secret place the rasping, gritty noises of my outer life. Again, this may be for me merely an alibi. For I know that in the searching light of my inward sanctuary all the faults, limitations and evil of my outer life stand clearly revealed for what they are.

I determine to live the outer life in the inward sanctuary. The outer life must find its meaning, the source of its strength in the inward sanctuary. As this is done, the gulf between outer and inner will narrow and my life will be increasingly whole and of one piece. What I do in the outer will be blessed by the holiness of the inward sanctuary; for indeed it shall all be one.
from Meditations of the Heart by Howard Thurman, pg.173

Nice evening

I did not drink.  I watched a movie (Super 8) which was really good with dh and ds.  Dd went out with her friends, which always makes me nervous. I was glad I was sober just in case she needed me.  My friend/neighbor/drinking buddy called, but I didn't answer.  I am sure she was looking for someone to have a beer with.  I thought to myself, "She probably just wants to have a beer - that is why she is calling - someone to drink with."  It made me wonder if people ignore my call sometimes for the same reason.  Probably...I don't think I like that....

Friday, December 2, 2011

My intentions for the weekend

I haven't drank anything since last Friday (remember the week before that was a nightmare).  I have been soooooooo tired this week.  I am sure it has a lot to do with a lot of things - less sunight - cold - shorter days - 32 kids in my class who seem to forget there is still 2 more weeks of school before break - I am sure it also because I had such a bad week last week sooooo.....

I am not drinking this weekend.  Just putting it out there in the universe.  I really need to get back to the gym (at 4:30 am lol) and that is not going to happen if I start next week from the same place.  This weekend I am going to take it easy, get some stuff done, take care of myself and enjoy a sober weekend which will hopefully lead to a better week next week.

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